Happy Valentine's Day!!!

While Johnny's been away, he's been really cute. =) Here are the sweet things he's done lately.

1- He got pickles and cheese at the cafeteria cause he missed me. I used to have pickles and cheese as a snack sometimes and he always thought it was weird... until he tried it and realized it's so nummy. xD
2- He's gotten on facebook when he could so we could chat together.
3- Sending me texts that say he strokes my hair or snuggles me. =)
4- He keeps listing all the things we'll do when he comes back home. Watching movies all day and cuddling seems to be his most urgent need. xD
5- He regretted taking WallE and Up with him to watch because those movies make him miss me. *sigh at the cuteness*
6- The first couple of nights he ended up staying in a hotel in Alabama cause of the weather and he used the hotel internet to play an online computer game with me. :)
7- He's explained the plots of the books to me in detail over the phone. :-7
8- He texts me frequently, most of them saying that he misses me.
9- He tells me he's with me while I drive across town to therapy. (Driving is still a little scary for me.)
10- Before he left, he drew a few maps of the area for me so I won't get lost. =)

He's such a cutie. A year is definitely going to be hard for us to be apart, come summer. But, if he keeps being so adorable it will be okay. ;)
Happy Valentine's Day, evvybody!!!

Extra Thing About Me:
Who inspires you to be more and why?
Alton Brown! Why? So many reasons!

He got his degree in drama and began a career in cinematography. Dissatisfied with the cooking shows that have been on, he decided to make one and went to culinary school. He'd never been a good science student before, but was able to really focus on it with food. Now he has a cooking show called Good Eats and is the host of Iron Chef America (and his knowledge of all food and cuisine is really amazing). He made a show called Feasting on Asphalt in which he motorcycled around the country looking for good food. (He's also a motorcycle enthusiast.) Bon Apetit magazine named him Cooking Teacher of the Year in 2004 and Atlanta magazine named him Best Food Guru in 2005. In 2008 he got his pilot's license. And in 2009, he decided to start eating healthier and lost 50 lbs.
I love how full his life is and that he didn't care how old he was, he was getting a pilot's license and learning to fly. He was unsatisfied with his weight and lifestyle and changed it and lost 50 lbs. He's got at least a couple of tattoos (one of a honeybee and one that's a skull with a knife and fork crossed behind it that he got during Feasting on Asphalt). He has awesome taste in music (he has an Itunes list in their celebrity lists). He's completely comfortable with who he is. I want to be more like him. =)

Owie.

Just got home from dropping John off for his flight. First time alone. We usually had some good friends drive with us and say goodbye and go to IHOP for pancakes after or something. This time I only had to drive a little ways in the rain - the rain is always with me when I need it - and hugged tight in the parking lot and cried softly and said goodbye. Then he walked into the building and I drove home. I did fine until I closed the front door and then let it out. And hugged patient kitties who had to wash the tears out of their furses with only slight annoyance (mostly on Miley's part - he's freakishly clean). I already had a text from him on my phone telling me how I was still in the parking lot and he already missed me like mad. *sigh of cute-Johnniness* I had a swig of root beer (no really, the hard stuff wouldn't do it for me like some good old A&W does hahaha) and now I'm listening to Lovedrug (perfect music for when you're in pain) and telling you guys that I'll be ok. John drew me some maps to show me how to get to the places I need to go. He's such a sweetie-head.
They had changed the day he'd be leaving like 3 times. I gave up on correcting my blog post. Hahaha. Turned out most of the people going were wanting to stay for the memorial service for their suddenly departed comrade and since John wasn't as close to him as the others and he just happens to have his stuff together and be qualified for what they'll need done, he's going down earlier than everyone else with the gear. He's dependable like that. So, this morning around 5 am was the time.
I'm learning I'm not easily broken anymore. That's a good thing.
I love him so much. I can feel the lesions on my soul searing again having him ripped away again. (Like it had tons of bandaids and someone obnoxiously pulled 1/3 of them off agonizingly slowly and then yanked off the rest too fast so that you scream like a schoolgirl and have some bleeding. hahaha I have the weirdest analogies.) But, I can take it like I learned to take physical pain (cause when the doctor hits a nerve when he's giving you a cortizone shot in the back you just gotta take it): it's just pain, just accept it, just feel it, and then just let it go. Let it drift up like smoke and fade - it's not gone but it's not so evident.
And I'm going to clean this place while he's gone! And unpack! And decorate! And hopefully still be able to find everything when I'm done! xD I love y'all for reading and being there. I wouldn't be as strong if I didn't know you were there. *hugs*


Extra thing about me:
Where do you dream of going someday?
Easy. The fjords of Norway. (Geology lesson: canyons are v-shaped and created by a river, while fjords are u-shaped and created by a glacier.) They are so beautiful and I love Norway and it's simplicity and glory. =D

Tomorrow (Now Friday)

So, it's tomorrow. Late tomorrow night around 2 am Johnny has to go again. It doesn't matter how far or for how long (this time Louisiana for 3 weeks), it never gets easier to say goodbye. I listen to Ludovico Einaudi. His music soothes the pain. Time wounds all heals. Scar tissue always seems to still hurt just a little bit.
It's not that I try to dramatize things. It's just that for the first time I'm going to be all all alone. There's not really anyone here for me. There are the people John works with that I can call if I "need" something. But, it's hard to tell what that means and hard to call someone you've never talked to before to ask them for something.
I hate driving. I didn't always. The accident we were in back in Utah just made me feel so helpless. That someone can just come rip your fender off and there's nothing you can do about it. They could have killed you before you said goodbye. Because they didn't want to wait at a red light. And since then I've hated driving. That person screwed over our finances completely. We'll be paying off the car we had to buy for a few more years. And if it happens again, I'll have to finish paying for the car even if I don't have it anymore. I don't know if I can depend on my reaction time... but I'll have to drive from now on, anyway, and it will have to be enough.
I can't help but recognize how selfish I am. Worrying about myself and being sad when Johnny's leaving. I know that he doesn't want to go and that he's nervous and feels a lot of pressure on how well he does at this training. He doesn't want to mess anything up because if we can't be in the military anymore we have no idea what we would do. That's a lot of weight on him. And I'm the pathetic girl sitting around getting fatter and taking medications and crying. I should get a job or take some classes or something. It's not like I was mugged and beaten or something. What right do I even have to be so afraid? To be this weak? I should be strong and supportive and letting John know that I'll be just fine. But, instead I cry on his shoulder and I ask him if I'll be fine.
It's time for me to become someone else. Someone a lot like me, but so different, too. It is vital. I'm so so tired of being afraid of everything. Being ashamed of my body no matter what size it ever was. I internalized too many things growing up instead of repelling them. So, now I must extract them in a painful, bloody way and cast them aside, climb over the spiky fence and face the world. It's time look fear in the face and tell it to #%$& off. It's time to grow up. It's time for me to love me. To become that girl I've always imagined I could be. I'm a little excited for it.
A more cheerful post will be here soon. Sorry to be so serious and sad. I avoided it as long as I could.

Today a Sergeant passed away that John knew pretty well. It's been a very sad day. Things have had to change and now John will not be leaving until Friday. It is nice to have more time with him, but under very sad circumstances. So... read this Thursday, I guess. hahaha

Extra thing about me:
What book has made the biggest impression on you so far?
Perfect question for this post. It's called The Blue Castle by L.M. Montgomery. I gave my copy of it to my sister when life was really hard for her, but I remember it very well. It's about a girl that's afraid of everything. And then one day she finds out she's dying within a year and she is freed from her fear. She tells people what she really thinks, she proposes to the man she loves, she marries him and spends all her time with him. She had a rosebush that had never had blooms. And she hacked the thing to pieces because she hated it because it reminded her of herself. And she just tore it apart. And then one day after she had changed everything, the rosebush is covered with blooms. I won't give away the ending, of course. But, I've always wanted to do that. Really unleash and let go. =) Like I said, it's time.

Kitty-babies!

I have decided that I haven't posted an all-kitty post for quite some time! So, one was due. We'd been toying around with the idea of getting another kitty for a while and when we were at PetsMart one day (Nov. 6, I think), well, I wasn't leaving without this little kitten. I knew right away we'd be naming her Zoe. :) The name had been in my head for some time and it just fits her little playful personality. So, we adopted her and ruined Miles's life. Hahaha. xD It really didn't take very long before they started playing together and being around each other most of the time.This is Zoe sleeping adorably. =D I love the little stripes by her eyes. She's mostly white with these stripey-spots on her. She takes your breath away, really.
Miles has been a bit grumpy of late. Zoe follows him around a lot and wants to jump on him from the bathroom counter when he walks in and thinks it's funny to knock his cube tunnel over when he's inside it and then start playing the drums on the one he's in... Obviously he's had some major adjusting to do. But once in a while I'll see him give her a lick on her shoulder or something and I'll suspect he might like her just a little. ;)

But, he's been getting some alone time on Daddy's lap a lot. And he doesn't even get that mad if Zoe tries to lay on his head. And he's found a few secret places to take naps while Zoe's sleeping in the sink. I don't know why we got her a beddie. She ALWAYS sleeps in the sink. It's her favorite place. (And yes, she is usually a wet kitty and you forget that and pick her up and snuggle your face on her and then get wet cat hair stuck all over your face.)

I love my kitty-babies. They are so cute and sweet. And they'll be with me while my Johnny-bear is away. =) Even if I'm just distracted enough to tell them to stop jangling and get along (in the words of my parents hahaha) that'll be enough. :) And they always sleep on or near me which is very important. Mama needs cuddles. ^.^

Extra Thing About Me: I forgot to do this on my last post! Durnit. Oh, wellz.
What tv show or movie do you watch when you really need to calm down and come back to yourself?
Easy! As Time Goes By! This is my BBC show starring Judi Dench and Geoffrey Palmer that I love. It's super cozy and just about everyday life. (Not everyday life with things that don't happen to anyone in real life like a lot of shows.) When I need to feel more centered, I watch this.

Lighter and Brighter in the Rain

John has been packing, getting ready to go to his training. They put him on gym detail and then on nights for 2 weeks and now suddenly they realize they've been shoving him on the back burner and now he needs to be ready to go. So, now he's made a dentist appointment and they've sprung a PT (physical training) test on him in the morning. So, he's a stressed boy today. :( I know he's also worried about leaving me here alone, but we knew this time would come and though I don't think anything can make me really "ready" for it, I'm up for it, at least. I'll do what I need to do. =) I've been sick this week with a cold, so today I cleaned up the kitchen disaster (I give up - he will never be clean xD ) and I'm going to have something nummy ready for him when he gets home. =D That will help.
My favorite thing about getting better from being sick is that refreshed "let's take care of this stuff" feeling I get. I get that crave to clean. Especially because I've been laying there looking at the mess (and then turning toward the couch and going to sleep with a grumble hahaha). John was a sweetie-bear while I was sick. He made me root beer floats to soothe my sore throat. (Num num nummers!) He'd make me a pb & j (with mango peach jam *melts*) and we'd watch How I Met Your Mother and laugh and I slept a bunch. I'm a lucky girl. Johnny-boy isn't the cleanest puppy around, but he is the sweetest one! I'll take that over clean. Besides, that's what helps me out of the sick bed is cause I am needed. If he functioned just fine without me I'd feel mopey. xD
It's not surprising that I caught cold. It's been pretty chilly here. We got a lot of snow and then freezing rain. As you can probably imagine, that made things slippery everywhere! And walking on the snow to avoid the ice isn't safe because the top several layers of snow became ice, as well and can be more slippery than the ice. So, we stomped hard on the snow to break through to the softer cushion of snow and got to the car, which managed to stay in tact through the bad weather, unlike many cars around here. The main reason people here don't like to go out in the snow is to avoid the people that don't know how to drive in it. hahaha Now the snow is all gone and it's the usual raininess of winter that I love. =D I've had a friend or two that "hate" me for liking the clouds and rain. This is unfair. I don't "hate" them for liking sunshine. Besides, I feel life is too short to let the weather (or others' feelings about the weather) dictate how I feel. Also, I think Gene Kelly had a lot to do with why I love rain - cause he kept singin' and dancin' in it. xD I watched him as a kid and realized rain didn't have to be sad (cause most of the time rain is used to denote gloomy sadness in movies and tv). I've been rebelling against this anxiety/depression my whole life. So overcoming things like not allowing the weather to decide how I feel has been an accomplishment for me. :) Cute umbrellas also make rain fun. =D

Anywho, I have a load of dishes washing and much tidying and cookie baking ahead of me. (Pumpkin cookies with cream cheese frosting oughtta de-stress a Johnny! *punches air with spirit*) I'm so glad to finally have energy! I think that medicine is finally almost out of my system and the new one is helping things not to feel so heavy. =) I send happy songs to all y'all. Enjoy life.

Turquoise and Kitties

I fell asleep at 9 pm last night and woke up at 6:30 am this morning. o.O Weird. And more weird: I love it! I'm so pleased. Being awake when it's light is definitely my cup of tea. =D
It's been a good weekend so far. =) We used a gift card we got for Christmas to have a dinner date last night and then went window shopping a little and then got a few groceries on the way home. And I got gum that gives me vitamins! Woohoo! (I take pleasure in the little things in life. Hahaha.) I had ordered a poster of a Van Gogh painting I love for like a buck fifty this week and we got a frame for it and hung it last night. I started really loving turquoise and then found out my nieces love it, too, which made me love it more. xD So, I am loving that it's turquoise with flowers.

It looks a little dark in the photo, but I had to get a picture. I love it. It's got me feeling more like decorating again. >:) There's the cutest turquoise spider clock (style spider not the animal, ew) that I want to get soon to hang up in the same room. Yay yay!
And I finally am posting a picture from Christmas. Me and the kitties by the tree. It was tricky to get them to quit hitting each other and look at the camera. xD John is masterful.

The tree is only a little in there, but, oh well. It's a short tree, which turned out to be good since the kitties knocked it over on the 2nd. So, it is put away already. xD It was time - we were tired of telling them not to play around the tree. We had a really nice Christmas. :)
I've been exercising every day, determined to get back in shape and feel more energetic. So far, I've lost three pounds. We won't think about how many are left to go. Hahaha. xD My goal isn't necessarily my body before the medication, just an in shape version of me. Maybe a body builder version. Hahaha. I'm trying not to put my expectations too low or too high. How I'm feeling is most important lately. The withdrawals are fading and I'm not having too many side effects from the new medicine. Don't want to speak too soon, but I think this one could work out well. :)
John still has another week on the night shift in this unit and then he'll be moving back to his old unit. He has friends in both units now, though, so it will be bittersweet. The mean lady sergeant isn't so mean anymore and it's been smoother for a while. And come the 30th, John will be headed for Louisiana for training for 3 weeks. He was the only one from flight ops. chosen to attend. I'm taking that as a good sign. :) It does mean we will be apart for Valentine's Day, but that's ok. I've spent a lot of V-days alone and it's not that bad. At least I have someone I love this time. *being positive* And I can test run for when he deploys. My therapist and I will go through some preparing for it, I'm sure. (I wuv my therapist.) It's weird that I have both a therapist and a psychiatrist. *shrug* They're both strong, successful women that I am glad to have influencing my world. =)
I am so set to cook today. I'm planning on making a bratwurst soup, banana muffins, and pumpkin cookies. But, even if I just make one and get some laundry done I'll be pleased. ;)
Thanks to y'all for reading and commenting. My blog meant a lot to me before, but it means so much more now because it's my anchor with those I miss. *blush* Love y'all.

Extra thing: A talent I would like to cultivate more... Actually, decorating. I am good at it when I apply myself. =) So, I'm going to work on getting this place decorated and beautiful.

Grateful List

Well, yesterday I slept 14 hours and woke up at midnight. -.- That does not work for me. Gah! I've tried Ambien and Benadryl (not together! 0.0 That would be bad... xD ) so far to help me fall asleep at NIGHT TIME. I've tried going to bed earlier, staying up a lot lot later.... nothing is working. Gotta love side effects. Feeling sick doesn't help the sleeping problem, either, but whattaya gonna do? As I am not a vampire (sorry to disappoint), I like to be awake in the daytime and I will not rest (well... you know what I mean) until I am awake when there is sun and asleep when there are stars. Hilariously, John has been scheduled for two weeks of the night shift, starting today, which is going to be a challenge, but I am up for it... I hope. xD
I've been thinking a lot about what I'm grateful for lately. (Staying positive is more powerful than a lot of people think.) So I thought I'd make a little list.

~Employment. We haven't always had it, and I'm so glad John has a rewarding career now.
~I finally live somewhere where all the outlets work! This is monumental for me.
~We have a sweet little Zoe-girl that comes and rubs my legs as I do my cool-down from exercising, which makes me so happy.
~Cell phones and internet to stay in touch with family.
~Our health care is just taken care of now, which is such a relief. I can go to therapy now. What a blessing to me that is.

~My relationship with John. In the army, relationships are hard. With so much time apart, a lot of cheating happens and another friend of ours was recently crushed to find out about it in his relationship. John went over late/early to be there for him and talk and he told John how lucky we are to have the relationship we do. It's true. In a life full of unfinished things, failures, and mistakes, at least I did this one thing right. I found the right guy and we learned how to love each other. Of course we've had some rocky times. But, that's what makes it strong. And I'm so grateful for that.
~Cadbury eggs. Nothing is as nummy as a cadbury. It's just fact. Beautiful fact. And the wonderful cadbury season has begun. ^.^
~I'm grateful that I haven't given up yet. I'm across the country from everyone I had ever met in my life, I've gained 45 lbs in 10 months, I apparently am nocturnal now, I need medication to help me find balance which is the hardest pill to swallow... I've really wanted to give up and accept it. But, I'm still trying. I worked out today and it wasn't as hard. I might sleep at a better time tonight. I'll be driving more this month so that I am more confident about my capability while John is gone all of next month. I still have kept all my skinnier clothes and only bought a few bigger items of clothing, believing that I can lose this weight. I'm grateful that I have this indomitable spirit and I refuse to give up and I refuse to accept this from myself. In 5th grade I was a brat and sarcastically thanked a group of kids for including me (when they weren't). And this girl turned to me and accusingly asked me why I didn't include myself. That impacted me a lot and since then I've tried to take more responsibility for the way my world is. And if I give up... no one can pick things up for me. Not even John. Not even whichever God you believe in. You have to choose success; nothing else can choose for you. J.K. Rowling said that failure helped her in life. That she hit rock bottom and used rock bottom as her foundation to build on. And look at her now. I can do that and I will. (Not necessarily the billionaire part, mind you. Just the building part. xD )
So, anyway, I have a lot to be grateful for. Much furriness and a sweet Johnniness. =) I'll keep y'all updated on how the building is going. ;)

Extra Thing #3 - What is something you miss?
I miss people more than anything else. I miss my friends and family. I miss our cute gay waiter at Village Inn. I miss our friends at Jaxies. Nothing replaces people. You will always miss them cause every person is different. That is why they are so precious.