Believe it, baby! :)

I've been realizing more and more lately what power belief really has. Since I began believing I am strong, I've become stronger and done things that I never would have done. Just believing in my potential for strength has helped cripple my fears. It's also helped me face down the past and let it go. And when I believe in John, his belief in himself is stronger and he does better at what he's working at.
I've always been a worrier. "What if" has been a prominent question along the way. I've also been a bit of a pleaser, always wanting approval. But believing that I can handle whatever could happen has helped push out the worry - not all the way, but we're all a work in progress, right? Somehow in this change, I found the courage to be honest with myself and others. When confronted with a problem, I used to let anger give me strength, which is easy to do and what we often see in the media. But calm honesty and control of emotion brings a much better result. (Though sometimes anger can be necessary, appropriate, and useful, I'll admit. But not always.) This is a very recent discovery, but I'd like to keep it by my side. And hey, maybe this worrier will become a peaceful warrior (if you've read Way of the Peaceful Warrior, that makes even more sense).
In other news, John met with the Sgt. Major he needed to and learned that they JUST changed the rules and that he doesn't have to meet with the General. He basically just has some paperwork left to do (that we know of) and once we turn it in to another Sargeant who will take it to the General, we are done. And, in case anyone wondered, I am still not far in the packing. I've been sick again - ick - which has thrown a wrench in the gears. But, it's getting easier and easier and I'm getting a more organized plan in mind as to how to go about this packing for the unknown destination and date. ;) Everything is starting to feel more "real" all the time. And John is getting more excited to be a full-time soldier. It's who he really is - I see it more and more the closer it gets. :) Let's hope things keep going as smooth as they have been! :D

whose texture compels me with the colour of its countries, rendering death and forever with each breathing (e.e. cummings)

That's right, we still don't know any details. It's become pretty frustrating. At this point, we're waiting for John's recruiter to get in touch with a specific Sgt. Major to schedule a time to meet with him. Then that Sgt. Major will make an appointment with the General for him. >;-P But, I'm still not packed very much, so I don't know why I'm so frustrated... I guess it is just hard to pack for an unknown destination. I guess I'll just pack everything but clothes for now and then when we get any idea about climate I'll rush to pack the clothing accordingly. Oi. This transitional limbo is just making us a little ill from all the floating around. ;)
Speaking of which, one thing everyone has found necessary to bring up when we mention our decision is that John could end up in Afghanistan. No offense to these people, but: duh. If I weren't okay with the possibility of deployment, I wouldn't have let him join the Guard in the first place. It will just happen more frequently now. But, there are 2 things I know: I am strong enough to be alone while he is away and he is a very strong soldier that will do well in his deployments. Of course he could die. But, I've been dealing with that since he became a driver. The path we've chosen will give us a better life. I mean, he knows what he wants to do, he loves it, he's good at it, and he can have a career in it that will help us out. So few people ever have that and now that Johnny's found it, I'm just handing it to him and telling him to run with it. Besides, I really should have known when we were opening our wedding gifts and he explained to me what a useful weapon our citrus juicer could be. ;) (He was born this way.)
And the great thing is that wherever we go, we'll be together in our world. John has the ability to make everything melt away. We've joked around, calling him living Prozac. It's true, though. Sometimes people will become very attached to him because of it. They start needing him to the point that instead of becoming stronger, as they had up to that point, it starts crippling them and him. This has happened a few times since we got married, and I'll watch it wear on him and siphon his energy and joy away as he tries to hold this other person up. So, I've gotten so I can untangle the problem, or if needed snap it off, to give him back his life. It can hurt that person, but I've found sometimes you have to hurt something to help it. I have to be strong enough to push it out of the nest so it can realize it can fly. Because it's like being around him can alter reality as if he were an addicting drug. He doesn't mean to be, he just has a gift.
I got so I could control the effect on me back in high school when I found myself leaning on him too much (I had to stop holding so tight and learn to stand alone again back then), and when we get to have some time together, I'll let the reality wash away and the vibrant colors of that world seep over this tan and gray present and it's just like being little kids. We tell stories and play games and our imaginations become so healthy. =) I've written about that world before on here but, now that we're so close to leaving everything familiar behind, I've realized just how important it is. So, we're trying to nourish it just a little every day. It can be frozen yogurt together or an awesome movie or reading a book aloud or talking about chemistry or history. It amazes me, the castles that love can build inside of us. We can meet there even when we're apart. And I realize now, that all the colors covering that world are shades of God that he shares with us. Perhaps that is our pocket of heaven that waits. :)

The Kitty Is 5!!!

On October 12th, our beloved kitty boy, Miles, turned 5 years old! We like to have a celebration for him every year because he's part of our family, too. (I know all the wise cracks that we should just have kids. ;) I know he's like our baby and right now that is perfect for us. Besides something this soft and fuzzy is just too cute not to have a party for.) So, we got him some birthday tuna - his very favorite - and a new catnip sockie and a little rattley mousie with a feathery tail. We also got a pumpkin cupcake for the occasion - he loves pumpkin ice cream and pie, so we thought the cake would be a hit. We even put a little orange (his favorite color) candle in it and sang to him. He got really excited about it, too, especially when John blew it out and the awesome smoke started to rise up. This kitty was amazed. :) However, the cake wasn't his favorite, so we're going to have some peach cobbler this week (he's addicted to it).
I know it's a little silly to be so attached to a cat. But, while John was gone those six months, Miles was all I had. He'd always run out to greet me when I got home from school. When I'd cry, he'd come and kiss my face. Every night he'd cuddle with me while I fell asleep and then stand guard by the door until I started to wake up (or until time for his food and he'd lick my face or pull my hair or nibble my ankles to let me know it was time to EAT). He'd catch up on his sleep on my lap while I worked on the agonizing chemistry and calculus homework. I'd eat dinner on a tv tray at the couch with the tv on and he'd sit on the arm of the couch next to me - partly to keep me company and partly in case I needed to share. ;) And when I started to go crazy from missing the Johnny and started talking to Miles, he'd listen. He's been my companion - just as much as any dog can be. And he's just as devoted to me. Once John was tickling me and I squealed in protest (we all squeal with tickling, it's true) and Miles jumped up and slapped John's hand and stood in front of me at him. (They have made up since then. He's actually become quite the daddy's boy.)
I love my finicky, weird little kitty so much. He's made the past five years so cuddly! You really do find love in unexpected places. I found some in a sticker bush five years ago. :D

A Little About Why Me is Me

I had a religion teacher once that used to ask questions more than anything - kinda like Socrates. His questions were awesome, the sort that really make you think. One that asked has stuck with me more than any other. He looked around the room and asked, "What is it like to be with you?"
Since then - I was like 18 or 19 at the time - I will ask myself that periodically through my life. I'll think about people I love to be around and how they behave and how they treat me and then I think about my own behavior and my treatment of others. I know that I don't want to be the conversation dominating person or the whiny person or the person that makes other people feel bad about themselves. I want to be a good listener - but tell HILARIOUS stories ;) - and I want to be positive and help people to feel like they sparkle. I want them to feel that I do care about them and they are important to me. Of course, it's a work in progress. (I work on my hilarity frequently, but John doesn't seem to understand the stories or something...;)
I also want to make sure that I'm always in touch with who I am - what things are changing about me and what new things there are about me. Like how recently I discovered that I despise turtlenecks. Or, on a less weird topic, that I love learning about different foods and how excited I am to cook with them. For instance, the day I cook with saffron will be a wonderful day. And vanilla beans - I am seriously chomping at the bit to get to slice down the side of that thing and scrape the seeds out with the blunt edge of my knife and beat them into something decadent. *le sigh* (That sigh is from the kitty that Pepe le Pieu is always chasing - she's always saying "le mew" "le meow" "le purrr" because she's a French kitty and somewhere along the line I decided to say "le sigh." I LOVE that kitty, so...) Also, importantly, who I am through all the changes: that chick always adores Stevie Wonder!!!
John has also been noticing things about me that I might not have realized. He says that I have a strong sense of justice. And that I can be fierce about it. :) I have a feeling Brandon - my soon-to-be-lawyer lil brudda - had a lot to do with it. He didn't let me pull anything when we were kids, everything had to be fair between us and since we did everything together, justice was always present. (Except that time he prayed to win the board game we were playing. That was SO NOT fair. He "doesn't remember." *raises eyebrow*) Also, Brandon always magically appeared when I got hurt on the playground because he was my brother and felt that was his duty. And he always fulfills his duty. :)

John has also seen that I am the girliest tomboy born on this Earth - I'm a brilliant gamer that needs pink socks and adorableness all about me while I'm whipping the boys at the fighter games. Except my brothers. The force is much stronger with them and they schooled me repeatedly growing up. Some day!!! *shakes fist in the air* Their days as the top gamers are numbered. (That doesn't mean 007, though. Brandon has become the dark lord of 007, singing "The Man With The Golden Gun" at the top of his lungs as my screen goes dark.) (And yes they are responsible for me using terms like "the force.") And I will be forever grateful to Michael for introducing me to Samus when I was little - because she was a girl I felt like I could be anything!
John tells me the funny things I've picked up from my parents: like listing all possible options for dinner like my mom does or stacking the spoons in the drawer like my dad does - I've tried to stop stacking but I keep going back to it. It's a sickness... all the different sizes of spoons stacked in such splendor gives me heart some joy and I will not deny myself any longer! I also have my older brother's sarcasm and silliness and my older sister's ability to be excited and happy about little things - even when times are bad - which changes the whole problematic world around me. And I got Melinda's love for fruit snacks (it's important to us) and her ability to make the dumbest things so fun! (At least, I think so. *cheesy grin*) She and I danced like fraggles to Rock The Casbah in the car one day and to this time I cannot hear the song without pulling it out, much to John's delight and Miles's annoyance (Miles hates fraggles). (If you don't know what fraggles are you are too young and must google it, for they were a joy of the '80s.)
So, to sum up: the person I am is actually this conglomeration (Geology term that I just relish using in everyday speech) of my experiences, but moreso all of the awesome people I've known that have changed me and made me a cooler person. :-7 I know that my cool-meter is far from cool, though, so it's a good thing that soon I'll be meeting a whole bunch of new people. I'll miss my friends (family also = friends) here a lot, but "there are friends everywhere, right?" (quote from The Perfect Man) The main thing I'm going to do is try to stay open to other people. I've always tried to understand why they like something - even things I don't like that much - so I understand them better. And I usually end up liking those things, too. Much music has been added to the ipod this way.
So, here's to shaping, eh? Cheers.

Starting the changes with me this time...

This has been one of those times in life where a whole bunch of crap all decided to happen at the same time. Money problems, car problems, tooth problems, a lot of those dreaded unpleasantries that will not change... they will just stay there and stay there and siphon energy and happiness and any reason to care away. The past few months have been this way for me and I have ridiculously been trying to do it all and please everyone. I did start standing up for myself at last, but it shouldn't have been when I was this far past my points... this close to collapse. I've been trying to be what I cannot - tried to have enough money when I don't, tried to make things last that aren't going to, tried to answer questions that I can't answer the way that the inquiring would like. But last night, as I laid there not sleeping as has become usual, I either let go of something or caught hold of something and now I am completely calm and more accepting of the way things need to be. My landlord will just have to accept that I am not going to know when I will be moving until the military tells us we will be moving, whether their kids had to move home or not. I will have to stop stretching myself for everything else and everyone else, even though the difficulties in their lives are towering over them, as well. I fight my beasts, and they shall fight theirs. I will disappoint people and for the first time in my life I am okay with that. Because I am only going to give what I can give now. And I am going to stop being afraid all of the time. That fluttering shadow inside me all of the time still hovers around feeding my mind the constant thoughts that keep me constantly restless - but now I will not allow it to affect me and I will just stand and smile at it. The problems are there with the fear and without the fear... there will be times I can be there for others and times I cannot be there for others and being honest about it will be best for everyone, though they might not like it very much. I'm going to find that happy little girl - that core of who I am - and let her laugh blossom through me. Granted, she doesn't get my mom's awesome mac 'n' cheese anymore, but I think I'll give my hand a try at truly nourishing myself now. And nourishing others. :) But I want to feel fresh again. And I'm really excited for it. Gonna go make that mac 'n' cheese now - for breakfast! =)