This has been one of those times in life where a whole bunch of crap all decided to happen at the same time. Money problems, car problems, tooth problems, a lot of those dreaded unpleasantries that will not change... they will just stay there and stay there and siphon energy and happiness and any reason to care away. The past few months have been this way for me and I have ridiculously been trying to do it all and please everyone. I did start standing up for myself at last, but it shouldn't have been when I was this far past my points... this close to collapse. I've been trying to be what I cannot - tried to have enough money when I don't, tried to make things last that aren't going to, tried to answer questions that I can't answer the way that the inquiring would like. But last night, as I laid there not sleeping as has become usual, I either let go of something or caught hold of something and now I am completely calm and more accepting of the way things need to be. My landlord will just have to accept that I am not going to know when I will be moving until the military tells us we will be moving, whether their kids had to move home or not. I will have to stop stretching myself for everything else and everyone else, even though the difficulties in their lives are towering over them, as well. I fight my beasts, and they shall fight theirs. I will disappoint people and for the first time in my life I am okay with that. Because I am only going to give what I can give now. And I am going to stop being afraid all of the time. That fluttering shadow inside me all of the time still hovers around feeding my mind the constant thoughts that keep me constantly restless - but now I will not allow it to affect me and I will just stand and smile at it. The problems are there with the fear and without the fear... there will be times I can be there for others and times I cannot be there for others and being honest about it will be best for everyone, though they might not like it very much. I'm going to find that happy little girl - that core of who I am - and let her laugh blossom through me. Granted, she doesn't get my mom's awesome mac 'n' cheese anymore, but I think I'll give my hand a try at truly nourishing myself now. And nourishing others. :) But I want to feel fresh again. And I'm really excited for it. Gonna go make that mac 'n' cheese now - for breakfast! =)Saturday, October 3, 2009
Starting the changes with me this time...
This has been one of those times in life where a whole bunch of crap all decided to happen at the same time. Money problems, car problems, tooth problems, a lot of those dreaded unpleasantries that will not change... they will just stay there and stay there and siphon energy and happiness and any reason to care away. The past few months have been this way for me and I have ridiculously been trying to do it all and please everyone. I did start standing up for myself at last, but it shouldn't have been when I was this far past my points... this close to collapse. I've been trying to be what I cannot - tried to have enough money when I don't, tried to make things last that aren't going to, tried to answer questions that I can't answer the way that the inquiring would like. But last night, as I laid there not sleeping as has become usual, I either let go of something or caught hold of something and now I am completely calm and more accepting of the way things need to be. My landlord will just have to accept that I am not going to know when I will be moving until the military tells us we will be moving, whether their kids had to move home or not. I will have to stop stretching myself for everything else and everyone else, even though the difficulties in their lives are towering over them, as well. I fight my beasts, and they shall fight theirs. I will disappoint people and for the first time in my life I am okay with that. Because I am only going to give what I can give now. And I am going to stop being afraid all of the time. That fluttering shadow inside me all of the time still hovers around feeding my mind the constant thoughts that keep me constantly restless - but now I will not allow it to affect me and I will just stand and smile at it. The problems are there with the fear and without the fear... there will be times I can be there for others and times I cannot be there for others and being honest about it will be best for everyone, though they might not like it very much. I'm going to find that happy little girl - that core of who I am - and let her laugh blossom through me. Granted, she doesn't get my mom's awesome mac 'n' cheese anymore, but I think I'll give my hand a try at truly nourishing myself now. And nourishing others. :) But I want to feel fresh again. And I'm really excited for it. Gonna go make that mac 'n' cheese now - for breakfast! =)
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2 comments:
First off--your mom's M&C is the BEST. I know I've said it a million times, but I said it again. Sorry. ;-) Secondly--throughout my quest to find truth regarding religion, I learned that as much as it sucks sometimes, you have to do what's best for YOU no matter who you disappoint. You have to be who you are and you should never apologize for it.
I really do hope things start going well for you. Hell, I wish that for the both of us. I have to believe that once you hit the bottom of the barrel, things will start going right soon after.
Thanks, Jiles. :) I'm going to miss you so much! You've really helped me a lot and been such a good friend to me even though it hasn't been very long since we ran into each other on fb. Luvs!
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