So, it's tomorrow. Late tomorrow night around 2 am Johnny has to go again. It doesn't matter how far or for how long (this time Louisiana for 3 weeks), it never gets easier to say goodbye. I listen to Ludovico Einaudi. His music soothes the pain. Time wounds all heals. Scar tissue always seems to still hurt just a little bit.
It's not that I try to dramatize things. It's just that for the first time I'm going to be all all alone. There's not really anyone here for me. There are the people John works with that I can call if I "need" something. But, it's hard to tell what that means and hard to call someone you've never talked to before to ask them for something.
I hate driving. I didn't always. The accident we were in back in Utah just made me feel so helpless. That someone can just come rip your fender off and there's nothing you can do about it. They could have killed you before you said goodbye. Because they didn't want to wait at a red light. And since then I've hated driving. That person screwed over our finances completely. We'll be paying off the car we had to buy for a few more years. And if it happens again, I'll have to finish paying for the car even if I don't have it anymore. I don't know if I can depend on my reaction time... but I'll have to drive from now on, anyway, and it will have to be enough.
I can't help but recognize how selfish I am. Worrying about myself and being sad when Johnny's leaving. I know that he doesn't want to go and that he's nervous and feels a lot of pressure on how well he does at this training. He doesn't want to mess anything up because if we can't be in the military anymore we have no idea what we would do. That's a lot of weight on him. And I'm the pathetic girl sitting around getting fatter and taking medications and crying. I should get a job or take some classes or something. It's not like I was mugged and beaten or something. What right do I even have to be so afraid? To be this weak? I should be strong and supportive and letting John know that I'll be just fine. But, instead I cry on his shoulder and I ask him if I'll be fine.
It's time for me to become someone else. Someone a lot like me, but so different, too. It is vital. I'm so so tired of being afraid of everything. Being ashamed of my body no matter what size it ever was. I internalized too many things growing up instead of repelling them. So, now I must extract them in a painful, bloody way and cast them aside, climb over the spiky fence and face the world. It's time look fear in the face and tell it to #%$& off. It's time to grow up. It's time for me to love me. To become that girl I've always imagined I could be. I'm a little excited for it.
A more cheerful post will be here soon. Sorry to be so serious and sad. I avoided it as long as I could.
Today a Sergeant passed away that John knew pretty well. It's been a very sad day. Things have had to change and now John will not be leaving until Friday. It is nice to have more time with him, but under very sad circumstances. So... read this Thursday, I guess. hahaha
Extra thing about me:
What book has made the biggest impression on you so far?
Perfect question for this post. It's called The Blue Castle by L.M. Montgomery. I gave my copy of it to my sister when life was really hard for her, but I remember it very well. It's about a girl that's afraid of everything. And then one day she finds out she's dying within a year and she is freed from her fear. She tells people what she really thinks, she proposes to the man she loves, she marries him and spends all her time with him. She had a rosebush that had never had blooms. And she hacked the thing to pieces because she hated it because it reminded her of herself. And she just tore it apart. And then one day after she had changed everything, the rosebush is covered with blooms. I won't give away the ending, of course. But, I've always wanted to do that. Really unleash and let go. =) Like I said, it's time.
It's not that I try to dramatize things. It's just that for the first time I'm going to be all all alone. There's not really anyone here for me. There are the people John works with that I can call if I "need" something. But, it's hard to tell what that means and hard to call someone you've never talked to before to ask them for something.
I hate driving. I didn't always. The accident we were in back in Utah just made me feel so helpless. That someone can just come rip your fender off and there's nothing you can do about it. They could have killed you before you said goodbye. Because they didn't want to wait at a red light. And since then I've hated driving. That person screwed over our finances completely. We'll be paying off the car we had to buy for a few more years. And if it happens again, I'll have to finish paying for the car even if I don't have it anymore. I don't know if I can depend on my reaction time... but I'll have to drive from now on, anyway, and it will have to be enough.
I can't help but recognize how selfish I am. Worrying about myself and being sad when Johnny's leaving. I know that he doesn't want to go and that he's nervous and feels a lot of pressure on how well he does at this training. He doesn't want to mess anything up because if we can't be in the military anymore we have no idea what we would do. That's a lot of weight on him. And I'm the pathetic girl sitting around getting fatter and taking medications and crying. I should get a job or take some classes or something. It's not like I was mugged and beaten or something. What right do I even have to be so afraid? To be this weak? I should be strong and supportive and letting John know that I'll be just fine. But, instead I cry on his shoulder and I ask him if I'll be fine.
It's time for me to become someone else. Someone a lot like me, but so different, too. It is vital. I'm so so tired of being afraid of everything. Being ashamed of my body no matter what size it ever was. I internalized too many things growing up instead of repelling them. So, now I must extract them in a painful, bloody way and cast them aside, climb over the spiky fence and face the world. It's time look fear in the face and tell it to #%$& off. It's time to grow up. It's time for me to love me. To become that girl I've always imagined I could be. I'm a little excited for it.
A more cheerful post will be here soon. Sorry to be so serious and sad. I avoided it as long as I could.
Today a Sergeant passed away that John knew pretty well. It's been a very sad day. Things have had to change and now John will not be leaving until Friday. It is nice to have more time with him, but under very sad circumstances. So... read this Thursday, I guess. hahahaExtra thing about me:
What book has made the biggest impression on you so far?
Perfect question for this post. It's called The Blue Castle by L.M. Montgomery. I gave my copy of it to my sister when life was really hard for her, but I remember it very well. It's about a girl that's afraid of everything. And then one day she finds out she's dying within a year and she is freed from her fear. She tells people what she really thinks, she proposes to the man she loves, she marries him and spends all her time with him. She had a rosebush that had never had blooms. And she hacked the thing to pieces because she hated it because it reminded her of herself. And she just tore it apart. And then one day after she had changed everything, the rosebush is covered with blooms. I won't give away the ending, of course. But, I've always wanted to do that. Really unleash and let go. =) Like I said, it's time.
5 comments:
Remember that book John had me read when I was struggling? The one lesson I remember from it was that any emotion you feel over anything is okay. You need to feel it, but then you need to let it go. Point: It's okay to feel afraid, sad, worried for yourself. Feel that way, completely, then you'll be able to let it go. It's when you refuse/are afraid to feel something you are feeling, that makes it stick around. I almost never do this (when I have, it really does work), but I thought of it when I read your post. Maybe it will help.
Thanks, dear Poet. :) *hugs*
Just wanted you to know we are thinking about you today. Remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. You're going to get through this!
I'm glad that John's departure was delayed a bit, but at the same time that's sad b/c I'm sure it would be good to have him go, only because once he goes you can start counting the days till he gets back. Waiting sucks.
You call me if you need to talk or anything...wish I was closer so we could hang out (and stuff ourselves silly with junk food haha).
Korrie - =) Thank you. That's what Winnie the Pooh learns during his Grand Adventure. :D I think I will watch that very soon. Luvu.
Jiles - I wish so much we were having something nummy and watching Arrested Development and How I Met Your Mother. I'll call you. I'll try to find when to call so you won't be asleep and you won't be at work. ;)
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