Imagine :)

When John and I were engaged, we were both unemployed and poor. We wanted to be together all the time, but we couldn't afford to go to dinner or to the movies. So, we created 2 traditions. One is our Game. The rules are that you have to ask the other person a question you don't know about them, like, "What did you want to be for Halloween that you never got to be?" or something like that. And the other person has to answer and has to tell the truth. It's still fun trying to think up good questions. :D
The other tradition is reading to each other. We each chose our most favorite book for the first one. Mine was The Blue Castle by L.M. Montgomery. John's was Ender's Game. We'd take turns reading a chapter to each other. And we've been doing it ever since. There have been one or two books that we realized are just not for aloud reading and set them aside. Lately, John has been reading to me a lot if I've been feeling sick or stressed out. We just finished reading The Mysterious Benedict Society that a little girl - the daughter of a soldier-buddy - let us borrow, promising we'd love it. And we really did. Now we're reading a Peter S. Beagle book. He's been becoming one of my favorite authors for a while now. You become completely unaware of him; he disappears into the words. Other authors I've read are ever-present and using the words, instead of telling a story, to say, "Look at what a good writer I am." I always want to swat these writers away and end up giving away their books. Any couples out there that are a bit financially embarrassed - as we were for 6 years of marriage and our engagement before that - I'd suggest trying this out. You learn more about the other person from reading what they read. :)
I've been discovering my musical niche more lately. Basically alternative with an edge, like Paper Tongues, Meese, Relient K, Snow Patrol, or Dragonforce... While I've been going through fun side effects from medications - been trying a new one for my stomach this week that's been making me more and more sick (I stopped taking it) - I've been evaporating into the music and letting it soothe me. There's definitely a hard side and a soft side to it... Both are necessary. Like an egg needs a shell. (It's not like crazy metal hard or something... I said egg not walnut.) Anyway... it's like lately I've been becoming more and more myself. :) Sinking into it. Letting it be vital.
And of course Ghost Hunters and Destination Truth have been helping. (Destination Truth's season just ended, blast it.) I think everyone needs a branch of themselves leafing out into the supernatural. I do, in any case. The unexplainable feeds my imagination so it can stay alive and healthy. I love thinking that maybe the Jersey Devil is out in the forest. That the Loch Ness Monster is lurking in those underwater tunnels somewhere. Sure, the scientific side asks me, "Seriously???" But I don't care. Like it says in Secondhand Lions, "Just because something isn't true doesn't mean you can't believe in it." So, whether there's a Djinn inhabiting Petra or not, I like to believe there is. It's so fun. :D It's luscious, actually. ;)

Bunny

Well, after depressing everyone I thought I'd write about something I love. :) My lil brudder. =D
Growing up, Brandon was my best friend. We did everything together. We played GI Joes, Hot Wheels, horses, cowboys... I learned early on that he simply could not stoop to Barbies so I accepted it. ;) We watched Silverado almost daily for a while. And Hacksaw and The Black Stallion. He had a brown stickhorse and I had a pink one and we'd ride them around the house with dramatic plot lines. We had a rule that if you were only knocked unconscious by a daring adventure you looked asleep, but if you were dead your tongue would be sticking out. lol For some reason we thought that happened when you died - I'm thinking Looney Toons may have had a hand in that concept. XD We also played on the swingset all the time. There was a teeter-totter on it that was our metal horse and his name was Lightning.
At school we both had our friends and Brandon was usually playing sports cause he was born with that natural ability to throw far and catch things that I missed out on in the genetic lottery. (Which has been a great source of amusement to him all our lives.) I never really knew where he was at recess, unless I got hurt. And then he'd materialize next to me and help me to the principal's office to call Mom. He was brotherly in the way that he was the only one that could pick on me. ;) He was always there for me. Honestly, he's always been more like a big brother that way.
Saturday mornings he'd come snuggle under the covers with me and we'd read our books for a while. Usually until we startled jangling over one of us being on the other's "side." XD And during the summers we'd have movie days and we could rent a video and we'd get Chick-o-Sticks and Bottlecaps and Butterfingers and pretend like we were at a theater in the family room. And then there were the epic cartoons we watched faithfully. Rescue Rangers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Gummi Bears then later X-Men, Spiderman, and Batman. Repeat: Epic. Brandon's favorite turtle was Donatello and mine was Leonardo. (Just, fyi, John's fav was Michelangelo. But, we all love you, Raph! You're John's fav now.)
As we got to be teenagers, we both got moody and weird as teens do and bickered a lot. We had moved right before our teens and we both had a lot of trouble adjusting. As Brandon got older he was less of a sports guy and more academic. He also conquered the world of academia - he's in law school now. He's always had extremely high standards for himself and I don't think he knows how far and away he's exceeded any expectations.
We ended up both going to BYU together for a while. Seeing each other on campus was always fun. Though I'd see his friends more and they'd ask me where he was and I'd tell them that supposedly he goes to this school. :-7 He was always working hard. And he dated a few girls that either turned weird or broke his heart.

And then he met Emily. And the happy little kid I knew came through the stressed-out student some more. Yet at the same time he was suddenly so grown up. So happy. He was always doing things to show her how special she is to him. I had to move before his wedding and that just killed me. We'd been around each other our whole lives - especially when it counted. And then I couldn't be there for him. I will always be sorry I wasn't there. I'm so glad he's happy and in love and she's taking care of him. It felt less like deserting him that way.
I wish I had a picture of him as a little kid to post. In all the world to this day there's no cuter little kid that's ever been. Round little head with chubby cheeks and blonde hair and a sunny smile. When he was a baby he couldn't say my name, so he'd say just Tine. Which evolved to Tiney. So I decided to take the "rand" out of him name and call him Bun, which in turn evoled to Bunny. So, he'd rhyme mine with his so I am Tunny and he is Bunny. I miss him a lot a lot. (I meant to write it twice.) I even miss him calling me dumb randomly or making fun of my laugh. I definitely miss trying to steal his sock off his foot like a ninja with quickness. (I usually don't get it, but when I do it's funny.)
Anyway, Bun, I didn't know I'd miss you this bad. But I really really do. Thanks for being my best friend and always being there for me. I love you so so so so much. And in conclusion, his victory song when he'd waste me and John at 007 on the Nintendo 64:
The man with the golden gun!!!!

Life Alchemized to Gold

When you grow close to someone, they tell you about the scars of their times. For me, learning what John had pushed through in his life... as if he'd broken through a barbed wire fence... it made a few small wounds on me because of how much I love him. I have often referred to his difficulties while growing up and usually people raise their eyebrows and don't know what I mean. A lot of that is because of how entirely recovered he is; he's more mentally healthy than I am, which makes me feel like a wuss, but moving on. ;) You see, few other people know about them. Mostly my close friends know because frankly, when something affects me I have to talk about it. Deaderpoet has heard about it more than her share, so she doesn't have to read this entry. lol XD These delicate heals of his I want to share because I want you to see as I do that he is amazing. That he can become this beautiful person anyway. I, of course, got his permission to share it. (That would've been bad. He looks at my blog and is like, O.O ... what? - those O's are his eyes, btw. :D ) He kept these things from those he loved to protect them... to keep the pain a separate entity. Warning: some of these things will be disturbing. Turn babies away.
When my Johnny-boy was 14 he was a little battle-scarred already. His parents had gotten divorced, which affects every member of a family harshly. By then, being the youngest, it was just him and his mom living together in a fair-sized city. John wanted to be strong and tough; he ended up friends with a tough crowd, as well. He was out quite late with a friend of his, about 2 a.m., walking in a park. His friend asked him to wait a minute while he met up with someone, so John waited a short distance away while the teenage friend walked over to talk with 2 adults. This friend had become mixed up in drug dealing. Apparently that was the night it caught up to him. John saw one man force the friend to his knees and the other put a gun in the friend's mouth and shoot. After a stunned moment, John started running as they fired toward him. He hid under a bridge in the water for several hours and then went home and did not tell his mom. He later reported what happened and the men were eventually caught.
Further associating with this tough crowd led to another experience. One of the tougher guys asked him to keep watch at his gate for a minute. John did, not realizing what would happen. And this guy drowned another guy in his swimming pool. Now, in this situation, would you say anything to the scary guy? I wouldn't. I'd tell him to have a good night and purchase a bottle of Nyquil on the way home. John was just scarred from the experience, though he was numbing to terror and pain.
And then, the thing that hurt me to the core. John was dating a girl. She had some problems, as many do growing up, and had difficulty handling it. (Her father was abusive.) One night while they and some friends, including her brother, were hanging out, she said, "I've had enough," and went outside. Everyone, puzzled, followed her out. And witnessed her end her life by running down the train tracks to meet the oncoming train. John helped the paramedics and her brother... clean things up. And found the hand he had held. I don't know how he doesn't dream of it every night. I don't know how he is sane. My soul would have fractured. Perhaps his did.
In any case, when I was 16 I met this angry boy. So so angry. So tortured. But I could see this soft molten gold far back in his eyes. I could see it. I just knew it was there. And I stayed. He pushed and pushed away. But I stayed. And I'm still here. And that gold is everywhere now. It covers everything and it glows. And those wounds are old scars now that no longer hurt him. And the lesions I received from learning of them are scabbed over and will soon be gone. And only the gold remains.

Johnny Day

Johnny's birthday is April 6th. :) We spent much of the day gaming (this make-a boy very happy) and had big melty nummy subs for lunch. Then I got all cute - which takes only a little time ;) - and we headed to my therapy session before dinner. (I'll have a paragraph for that further down. lol) I wasn't surprised when John wanted Carrabbas for his birthday dinner. We love their food. They had some specials that night that we tried - I had the lamb and John got himself a 7 oz. sirloin. We both tasted our food and about melted from the tenderness of the meat and the immaculate sauces they came with. Then we stopped at the cute coffee house next door and got some gelato for dessert. My boy that doesn't like ice cream has fallen in love with the smooth texture of gelato. >:D Ha ha! I got him to like ice cream! *maniacal laugh* We topped off the night with even more gaming. His big birthday present was a new laptop. His ridiculously old one finally kicked it a week before his big day, so I told him to go pick something. He went to several stores in search of it and has at last found his soul mate. XD He had a very happy birthday. (I had a pretty wonderful his birthday, too. =D )
Therapy is going very well. My therapist is awesome. She's helping me find coping strategies for my anxiety and learn how to reframe difficult things from the past so they don't affect me anymore. :) I also got to see my doctor yesterday. I love my doctor! You don't expect to laugh and have fun conversation about your medical life, but we do with this doctor. She usually only sees active duty, but she forces them to let me be her patient. :) And I'm doing better physically. It seemed like my body had been shutting down. It just wasn't doing any of its jobs well. But now things are starting to function better and I have much less pain. *happy sigh*

As far as de kitty-boy goes, he is very good. He is the only one loving our all hard floors situation. He can chase a ball around the whole place with ease, he can run as fast as he can and drift around the corners (I'm dead serious), he can get a running start and slide on his tummy across a room (my personal favorite to watch lolz!!!), and there are more cool places for him to lay around now that the weather is heating up. We got him this awesome cat blanket. It has a pocket with a mousey in it, feathers on the corner that are detachable, a crinkly portion, and a pouch of catnip hidden inside. Needless to say, we have a high, happy kitty. =D
I'll keep y'all updated as the heat climbs higher and the humidity closes in. ;)

The pink was had and enjoyed thusly. >:D

It was a good birthday, indeed. :) I had planned to go out to dinner and go do all this fun stuff. And I got all cute and in my new pink shirt (somehow we took NO birthday pics which plagues me constantly) and we headed out to paint the town red. But after driving around, I realized I just wanted to go to waffle house and eat toast and grits. (The south has got me: I love grits. They are such a comfort food for me now.) So, that's what we did. And we stopped by a cute place we found recently and got some homemade tiramisu for my birthday cake. :) And we came home and I got on my new pink jammie-pants Johnny got me from Victoria's Secret and we watched movies and were cozy. It ended up being a very simple birthday with no yelling of surprise or singing or candles. And, I must say, I think I liked that best of all.
Also this week I went a step up in my new medicine, so I've been enjoying side effects much of the week. :P I always do with every medicine I ever take. I realize I've actually spent a good fraction of my life side effecting. You'd think I'd handle it better. So, I've been gaming more and having John read to me more while I felt blcky. That part has been great. But, I'm starting to feel much better and will have to start being responsible again. Blast.

I also met my therapist. Her name is Regina and she's a happy black lady who you can tell knows who she is and doesn't let stuff bother her. I love that. I want to be that. We're just trying to work out a good schedule because she's got a lot of patients. I think she's going to help me a lot. And she's an active therapist. I had one a long time ago when I was 19 and he'd just sit there. So, I'd think up something sad or "traumatizing" from my past and tell him. And he'd ask how that made me feel now and it was basically pointless and not helpful at all. But Regina actually discusses things with me and is herself rather than some psychiatric persona that "listens." She's more human with me and has reactions to the things I say and doesn't talk in that annoying "soothing" tone or anything like that. The therapist that helped John a lot was similar. He wore a faded Nirvana t-shirt and had his diplomas in a drawer. :)
All in all, things are going rather well. The medication isn't numbing me about life thus far. When I get stressed it doesn't have to go to anger or depression, it just stays where it is and I have more control of it. This kind shouldn't cause a lot of weight gain, but if it does: *shrug*. I've spent a lot of my life worrying constantly about that number. Everything is temporary - the meds, weight, etc. It's not permanent and I can change it and handle it. I'm in control of this life. :)

Milkis, Zelda, and Pink. Awesome sauce!

It's very quiet at this moment. Johnny is having a much deserved sleepy morning. The neighbors dogs aren't even barking. Writing was inevitable. ;)
I will be seeing a therapist for the first (recent) time tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, but not too much. I expect it to be a good experience, even if it's hard. I want to be able to work through the things that are holding me back and let myself be more joyful in how I live my life. A little while ago, I had a friend criticize me for a few hours for the decisions I have made. But, you know, there came a time for me where I realized I needed to make changes. I let go of some of the fear and now life is a lot different than I had planned. But, it's also so much better now. We're in a new place and I'm excited to let this new version of myself grow. It's kind of funny that things are okay now so I need someone to teach me how to be. :D And I'm going to be! :)

We found an awesome Asian Market since I posted last. They have a whole room dedicated to dishes and other fun things like that. They have 3 different freezer sections. I am a big fan of Japanese sugary snacks. And, thanks to Brandon, a Korean soda called Milkis (which this place has in 3 flavors!!!). I got the ingredients I needed and tried making dumplings/potstickers. A girlfriend of mine gave me her recipe, so I decided to be daring. ;) I got them a little dark on one side, but they turned out pretty good!
John also got me into an online game (gasp!) called Perfect World. I haven't really gamed much in a long time. I remember why I always loved it. You can control what happens to you in a game. You can be brave and be a hero and for a while be in a different place where the things you daydreamed about as a kid can be real. Of course I'm not going to be one of the people that lets that world replace mine. No no no. But gaming has always been pretty therapeutic for me. And piano. And cooking, reading, writing... All of those require a lot of focus and concentration so it sweeps your mind clear of anything else. I got back in touch with that little kid sitting on the blue rug in the basement with the light streaming in the window playing Metroid and Zelda and getting a sense of accomplishment and a sense of being capable and in control of something. :) Everybody needs an escape like that - some people crochet or go rock climbing or dance. I love how different people are.
And it's my birthday this week. I'm not going to do the girl thing and be bummed about getting older. It does kind of suck that life is slipping past, but that's how it goes. I'm going to have a fun and happy day with lots of pink involved. (Indeed.) And I'll need to decide about birthday dinner and cake and such. :) When I was little my mom always made me stuffed shells for dinner and she always decorated a cake for me with flowers on it and such girly cuteness that thrilled me to my core. I really appreciate that. I might attempt such... or we might buy one because I'm really bad at frosting cakes. Mom taught me and taught me. Someday I'll be good at it. And I'll narrate while I frost, like Alton Brown: use a spatula to smooth the frosting onto the cake thusly. (I love how much Alton says "thusly!")
So: it's going to be a great week everybody!!! :D With much pink. I'll let you know how it goes. ;)

It's alright, have a good time, cause it's alright.

I hate it when John is right. And my mom... And Maren... I think even my dad is right! (Aw, man!!!) So, the stress could be a big factor in why I have been sick. >:S And it's not like I was stressing over nothing - we lost our housing, moved across the country in a car with a cat yowling much of the time, had our pay frozen because of the Guard's mistakes resulting in a month and a half without paychecks for us, we borrowed a lot of money... But, now things are okay. I just don't know how to be okay. For six years we've been barely making it by and John's been working at jobs that treated him horribly and paid him worse. So, stressing is like a reflex for me. (Plus I come from a family of worriers. :D )
When I was nineteen, I had a doctor that must have been a little crazy. Because he not only diagnosed me with depression, anxiety disorder, and panic disorder, but he decided to medicate me for all of them simultaneously. I was on depression meds, anti-anxiety meds, panic meds to take in case of a panic attack that were VERY strong and are frequently stolen by drug-users around the globe for that reason, and sleeping pills. And then I changed personality a bit. I stopped going to class, I slept a lot more than is normal, I didn't care about anything, I got very angry frequently, and I gained 20 pounds. Kind of a crappy time for me. I've hated meds ever since. But, I also can admit that they have helped many people I know. So, when the doctor talked to me about trying one medication to see if it helps, I decided this week to give it a chance. I do wish it were something more valid-feeling - some illness that is treated and then goes away and everyone is happy. Oh, well. I also am going to see a therapist to talk to about the stuff life does to people. Life can be a difficult racket. Thankfully, John is on funeral detail for a while and he will be able to go with me. (He knows a good therapist when he meets one. He's seen many in his time. Too bad I can't go see his favorite one back in Utah. That would be kind of funny. "You fixed me, now can you fix my wife?" Maybe we could get a 2 for 1 deal.) :D
In any case, as life rushes over different people, they handle things differently. Every person has something horrible that happened to them that they haven't told many people about. Something that hurt them and crippled them emotionally for a time and they have to learn to move around. I'm surrounded by these soldiers that have seen horrors that scar them and they learn to deal with that and they have to come home and try to see the beauty that can still happen after so much ugliness. I can try to be that brave, as well. Brave enough to let go. Like Monique told Barbara Walters before the Oscars, "It ain't that heavy. Let it go." :)
Anyway... I'ma be alright. I'm going exercise every day and get those endorphins up and learn to take a breath and enjoy the ride. And to lighten the mood, I'll end with this:

:D