My Portable Mecca?

I always thought that there was SOMETHING that I needed to do. Some GREAT WORK I was destined for. Perhaps I would discover cold fusion! Or some Einstein-esque equation that gives another clue to the mysteries of the universe. I would write a great book that becomes a huge sensation and changes lives. I felt like I needed to be accomplishing greatness and I was behind schedule. I needed to start the amazingness at least in my twenties, since it didn't happen in my teens. A college degree was a definite must because I didn't seem to have any talents that stood out as greatness in the arts. Hahaha

And then I quit school and moved across the country with my baby bears (John and Miles). I had great plans of culinary school and chefery. White plates with some tiny edible art in the middle and decorative sauce dots strategically placed around it and a sprig of some herb whimsically sticking out of the top. And a line I love from Autumn in New York: "Food is the only beautiful thing that truly nourishes." I was excited. But, the program that helps military spouses attain education had been suspended because they ran out of money. And I realized we weren't making enormous amounts of cash and that it might not be possible right away.

And then I didn't care a lot. I've been realizing that everyone has felt those illusions of grandeur. But they find things that bump those unreachable ambitions out of the way. Cold fusion will have to wait for another day, another time. Families or a religious goal they work toward (the haaj, enlightenment, etc.) and so on. And last night, Johnny and I talked about this and how most people have a drive of that sort. But, I said I wasn't sure where mine was taking me anymore. He smiled and said he already got there. I looked at him wonderingly and he said, with an affection nudge at me with his foot, that his Mecca is always with him now. (Thought processes... O.O That's meh!!!) I blushed and nudged him back.
I don't want life to be aimless, as it often feels. But, I also just want to be happy with it and not waste it away hoping and look back and realize what I missed. So, anyway, I'm very thankful for what I have. A psychotic furry cat that suddenly runs sideways through a room making noises I didn't know a cat could make, and a cutie-head that I can quote random obscure movies or tv shows with and still find them funny after the 50th time. =) We've always just been doing what we needed to do so we could be together and be happy. We have let go of things that we found weren't making us happy and we have picked up things that we didn't expect would make us happy. So, this is my great work. Our relationship (including the kitty... I know he's somewhere reading over my shoulder...). The rest of it... I'm just going to find what I enjoy and go where it takes me. Cause I've made it already. No other shot I take can matter to me as failure or success. I get to tickle the tummies of my success every day. (Mwahahahaha! >:D )

11 years ago I fell in love...

I can't explain it. Something about his eyes just wouldn't let me go. Back in those first days, we both were so dramatic and hormonal. I felt stupid talking about forever at 17 years old. But it felt like forever was this simplicity I could hold in my hands and spin or fold to my delight when it came to John.
We've had some rough times. There have been horrible fights. Just awful. But at times where I'd let anyone else walk away, or I'd be able to turn my back on anyone else... one of us has the courage to release the pride and say, "Wait." And the other shoves anger and pain back and waits. That's what makes it work. We both are willing to keep giving to each other, even when we don't want to.
It's been the hardest thing in my life to let go of everything I ever thought I'd be and let John be everything he never thought he could. I know I've made it sound very happy, lately, and it mostly is. But, it's also been difficult. It's just the two of us. We're slowly making a few friends, but I spend the day by myself in our apartment. I was unpacking, but since they're tearing down the apartments across the way, it's time to start packing again. The stress of getting to this point cracked me in a few places and I started the medicine, which has helped me gain a little weight that makes me not want to look at myself. I'm trying to find the core of myself that's going to rise up from the ashes of whoever I was and be really strong. But, I've been pretty weak. But, seeing my boy go out the door in his uniform and seeing how fulfilled he feels is worth it. He deserves it for working all the horrible jobs he did while I went to school. Now it's my turn to give back. =)
You know, he has this way of looking at me like I'm the most valuable thing on earth. It scared me eleven years ago. Terrified me. And since then when I've missed him, I'd see that look in my mind and keep going to endeavor to deserve it. And now as I feel ugly and fat and pathetic and crazy... he's still looking at me like that. It buoys me up now. Funny how fear becomes strength.
Thank you for the years, Johnny-boy. They've been awesome. What a man you've become from the boy I met. What I saw behind the gold in your eyes has become the reality. I love you so much. With all the anguish and joy of my soul, all of everything I am. It's unbreakable, baby.

Yeah... Johnny's cute.

Well, Johnny's time in funeral detail has come to its end. We knew it would happen, but it still is bleh. During funeral detail, we were able to spend a lot of time together. Now he's been placed with a medivac unit (or company... I don't know the words) which means he'll be keeping track of the helicopters carrying the wounded. He was nervous at first, but he's doing just fine, like I knew he would. He's glad that he'll have more rigorous Physical Training (PT) and more structure to the day. Also, we never knew when he would be needed for a funeral, so some days off turned into full days of funeral services. The troops are back, so things were reorganized and John helped train a new batch of soldiers for funeral detail and has moved on. =) In honor of missing him just a bit more than before, I wanted to list some cute quirkinesses about him. =D
1) When he wakes up in the morning, if he's had a dream, he needs to tell me everything about it in full detail. xD
2) He will be very meticulous with his Class A's (fancy uniform) and make sure they're clean and hung up and all the little pins are straight. But the rest of the time he'll kill a little spider with his hand and then wipe it on his jeans. *shudder* lol
3) Whenever he shaves with a real razor (not electric) he comes and rubs his cheek on my cheek to show me how soft it is. :)
4) He's always looking for cool songs or videos to show me online. Especially vids involving cute kitties doing cute things. (This good. *nod nod*)

5) He loves ramen. At any given time if we're tired and poor, he makes ramen and enjoys it as much as if we were going out somewhere fancy. It's soooo cute.
6) Johnny is not just A people person. He is THE people person. Even mean people laugh and talk to him and love him. I feel like Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail when Tom Hanks gets the angry cashier to swipe the credit card. Everyone smiles at him and then give me the frigidity. One of my main goals in life is to be more like him in this way.
7) He must eat his fries before his sandwich because the sandwich will stay warm longer and he loathes cold french fries. (He's also a ketchup man more often than not. I like my fries dipped in honey... it's a chicken nugget happy meal thing...)

8) When he writes things on the grocery list for me, he spells them phonetically or turns the word into something weird. (ex: chikin, torteeyas, froot nacks, etc.) And he'll add different animals to the list. (ex: monkey brains, ... I don't think need more examples...)
9) He's tries so hard at everything he does. =) There's no 50% with this man. He's gonna give it all every time.
10) When I've fallen asleep on the couch, he's slept on the floor next to the couch to be by me. (And melted my heart like crazy when I realized it in the morning!)

So, in summation: I love the Johnny.

Whistles, eh?

When I was a kid, I had this show I watched called Wind in the Willows. It was the Rankin and Bass animated version - very hard to find now (they also did The Last Unicorn, Flight of Dragons, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and so much I loved as I child). But I entered every detail about it in the search and found it on amazon a few years ago and bought myself a VHS copy. It has magic to it - like Kenny Loggins's voice does. There's something to it that just calms. Ratty's voice was Roddy McDowall, probably one of my favorite people. There's a part where Mole decides he is going into the Wild Wood to visit Badger and that's it and he leaves while Ratty is sleeping. When Ratty wakes up, he realizes where Mole has gone and immediately gets dressed, gets his weird flare gun, and goes after him. Mole gets lost and terrified in the Wood and hides under leaves. Ratty searches for Mole diligently. Anything that tries to scare him, he stands up to. He hears strange whistling noises and instead of getting scared, he says, "Whistles, eh?" and fires his gun into the air, silencing the whistles. He finds Mole, it snows, they get lost together and Mole hurts his leg, but they find Badger's place and hammer on the door and ring the bell until Badger finally lets them in. (Badger hates company, as explained by the songs he sings. haha)
Well. Thus far in my life I have been Mole and John has been Ratty. I've been scared and hiding in the leaves and he has intimidated the terrors. He always told me that he is scarier than anything out there could be. =) So, I didn't need to be afraid. But, now, I want to be Ratty. He's a simple creature. He writes poetry and loves the river he lives by. He likes life to be simple, but when it gets complicated (meaning Toad did something stupid again) Rat is very brave and takes care of the animals he cares about (even dopey Toad - I was greatly annoyed by Toady as a child; everything would be happy if he'd behave hahaha).
I also want to be a little like Badger - except the whole cranky recluse thing. But, he lives in the scariest place in the forested area they live in. He's like John - he's scarier than that stuff. And he knows the secrets of the Wild Wood. There is a spirit there, the Piper, the Friend and Helper, a Pan-like creature that watches over the animals of the forest. The gift he gives the animals is being able to forget the horrors of the Wild Wood so that they don't overshadow the good things in the lives of the animals and they can be happy now that they have been helped out of trouble. Badger has seen the Piper a few times. He and Ratty and Mole end up seeing him in the story.
Actually, now that I think of it. It's ok if I'm Mole. Because Mole, as I remember now, becomes much braver and stronger. He becomes accustomed to the forest and he is no longer afraid of the mirthful demons of the Wild Wood. And he knows of that demon of the moonlight, the Piper, who flits across the shadows of night in the glints of moon you see out of the corners of your eyes. He's there to protect you and help you forget. Evil can be as overwhelming as Tolkien showed us in Lord of the Rings, but good can be unquenchable as C.S. Lewis portrays in the Chronicles of Narnia. I found out as I grew up that Wind in the Willows is one of my dad's favorite books. (Also Ivanhoe which is a good read, as well, might I add.)
So, I'm in the Wild Wood hiding in the leaves. And my Ratty is helping me. And the Piper is there with us and I'm going to become very strong. I just know it.

Grapefruit Friends

I've been avoiding calling my family. It's because I miss them so much. I know what you're thinking - this makes no sense. But, I want them to think I'm doing just fine and not worry about me, and if I call them and cry because I miss them so much... that hurts the "I'm fine"-ness.
I already wrote about my lil brudder earlier and in honor of Father's Day, I want to write about my dad. I haven't told him a lot how much he means to me cause we've always been around each other and it didn't seem that... necessary, I guess. But, now it's necessary.
My dad is from Idaho. He will always be a cowboy. I love that my dad wears a cowboy hat and boots every day. He has always reminded me of John Wayne. Because he's from the country, he is not afraid of working hard. Actually, it bothers him if he isn't working hard. He makes the most of what he has. And he likes to drink milk - even at a fancy restaurant.

When I was little, I pretended to like grapefruit so we could share one for breakfast. He'd get it all ready and I'd put a lot of sugar on it and eat it. I liked being his special grapefruit friend. Hahaha. We also used to mix grape juice and lemonade together - I still love that to drink. I found some cranberry blackberry juice at the store here and was so sad I couldn't share it with him.
I married a guy just like him, too. They both need the light switches to match up and to get every little bit of cereal out of the bowl. The markers for our fridge marker board are lined up impeccably and I saw them today and missed my dad. He and John used to talk and talk. They have so much in common. My dad was in the Army, as well. He went to Korea during the Vietnam War. So, they swap stories and laugh or get very solemn depending on the experience.
Actually, I'm just like my dad, too. It's why we clashed a bit when I was a teenager. We're so alike that we can interfere with the other.
I don't know when I stopped seeing him as a dad and started seeing him as a person. But I feel so protective of him now. He seems like a tough cowboy - and he is - but he also has a very sensitive side that I want to make sure is never hurt. When my sister and my horse (she owned the front end, I owned the back end... comes of being born later), A Royal Whisper, passed away, it was so hard for him to tell us. He was so worried about telling Melinda and how sad she would be. The one sure-fire thing on this earth that will make me cry every time is seeing my dad cry. Even thinking about it, honestly.
I love that he listens to yodeling. =D I like music with yodeling now because of it. I've got the Rolling Stone of Texas on my ipod. xD When we were little, Brandon and I would sing Oh, Pretty Woman with my dad, too. Brandon got so good at that growl-thing that Roy Orbison does. And we'd watch westerns all the time.
My dad has a gift with animals. He had a pet bull as a kid that he'd sit with and lean against. And his first horse was named Prince and he was my dad's best friend for a time. And my dad's horse that passed away a few years ago - Rhythm & Blues - he loved my dad so much. They'd go galloping in the mountains together so excited. And Whisper would follow them wanting to go home and Cobra would try to beat them and then scurry back behind RB cause he didn't like to be in front. (And cause he's afraid of cows. Brandon helps him to be brave, though. Hahaha.)
I wish I had the picture of him holding me as a baby to post on here. He looks really happy. He's holding me like I'm a precious, delicate little bundle. It's my favorite picture of us. (Though, the one of us winning the Twist competition at my Youth Conference is 2nd. :D )

I'm really homesick. And I wish I could just go to my parents house, unlock the back door (cause they are cautious folk xD ), go inside and have spaghetti together and then watch Murder, She Wrote. I only left so that we could take care of ourselves a little better. But, we'll be back to visit soon. And we'll have some yodeling and fun. =D

Wisp Has Been Brought To You By...

I've been thinking about my childhood more lately. Remembering the different people that shaped who I am. Obviously, my family had a big impact. =) But, there were also others. Like Mr. Rogers. =D Fred Rogers affected me a lot - I believed he could actually see me. lol It really felt like it to a 5-year-old. And when he would sing "It's You I Like" it made me feel so special. I related to Daniel the Tiger a lot, because I was always painfully shy. Also, Lavar Burton was another role model for me. Reading Rainbow reinforced a love of reading in me that seemed to always be there. I remember my mom teaching me to read my Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs book in my room, helping me to sound words out. I could read before kindergarten and the library at Cherry Hill Elementary was my favorite place at school. I learned from the Bernstain Bears, Nancy Drew, and other books. My favorite childhood book was No Flying In The House. It's about a little girl with a tiny tiny dog who finds out that she is a fairy. It was always checked out of the library at school. In all the time I was there, I only got the chance to check it out once. :)

I also was affected by Bob Ross. I mean, he's this gentle-voiced man with a fro and a pet squirrel sitting on his shoulder. How could a child not be drawn in? I would watch him make happy trees and happy clouds and it looked so easy. However, when I tried to paint, I got angry trees and miffed clouds that looked awful. My mom and my grandma are both amazing painters. I missed the art gene a bit... I got creativity, just not art so much. My sister, Maren, is amazing in the same way. She can make anything beautiful and she does. :) Maybe I'll write a story and make my happy trees that way. XD

I also diligently watched Today's Special. I knew all of the songs and plots. It was about a department store with a manikin that can come to life if you but a special hat on his head and said, "Hocus Pocus Alamagocus." Hahaha. And he and the security guard and the night display worker and a mouse that lived there would sing all night. It sounds a little weird now, but it seemed perfectly plausible to me as a child. Oh, and the security guard (Sam) had a fluffy gorgeous cat named Penelope and I still wish I could bury my face in that fur and cuddle Penelope til the cows come home. (Btw, Sam also had a smart computer: the TXL talking computer.) They just don't make shows that weird and cool anymore. Purple dinosaurs came along with their idiocy and ruined the legendary ways.

There was also a Christmas special called Santa Bear about a polar bear cub that gets separated from his family and ends up helping a little girl and her sick grandfather before being taken home by Santa Clause. And there was also the Ugly Duckling cartoon Disney made... which made my sensitive self cry every time I watched it. I felt so bad for the little signet all alone and not fitting in. I felt like that a lot at school and church as a child. But then his family finds him and loves him. :)

And then there are John Wayne, Elvis, Fred Astaire, Gene Kelly, Cary Grant, Walter Matthau, Jack Lemmon, Audrey Hepburn... all the greats from the old movies I'd watch growing up. ...It's actually little wonder I'm as weird as I am. Hahaha. You don't grow up watching Some Like It Hot to be normal. lol "If they catch us there's going to be blood everywhere - Type O!" XD

Foggy Bloggy

Life keeps going, eh? Not a lot has been happening for us lately. Thunder storms have been prevalent and Miles huddled into a shivering ball on one of our laps or under the bed while the menacing thunder is booming overhead. I think I'm still adjusting to the higher strength anxiety medication, cause the days have felt a little foggy for me. But, we've been adjusting the dosage of the stomach meds and have figured out a pretty good system, so I have been less sick. Now, to get my sleep schedule back to normal again. I would be so sick all night and then it would get light and I would fall asleep on the couch and wake up at 1 or 2 in the afternoon... which turned into 4 or 5... So, I'm sure that contributes to my daily haziness. The sleeping pills I have work too well - I can take them at 11 or 12 and still wake up at 3 the next day. lol So, we might try something else. Medications seem a little strong for me; my body is very sensitive. I credit my genes for this. I tried to blame my parents but it didn't work. XD My grandmother on my mother's side is also very sensitive, so I think I inherited a lot of her genetic code or something. But, things are getting better.
We are thinking of getting a second kitty sometime soon. I know that Miles will hate our guts and hate it for at least 3 weeks or longer. He'll stay under the bed and hiss and be thoroughly miserable. But, I'm hoping that he would warm up to the other kitty and that they could play together. Also, it's a comforting idea to think of me here with 2 little kitties while John is gone for 12-18 months next year. Last time, taking care of Miles was a nice distraction for me. And I also think Miles would resent a baby less when the time comes if he had another kitty friend. *crosses fingers*
Speaking of Miles, while cleaning his litter box, we found an entire ponytail holder attached to some of his... you know. He'd been out of sorts for a few days and now we know why! Poor boy! I'm glad it didn't kill him. So, now we'll need to wait until he's napping heavily and raid his toys for the thinner ponytail holders. I'll leave the thicker ones there for him, though. He loves his ponytail holder collection so much. He stole each of them from me - sometimes right off my head *muttermutter* - over time and it was always a happy surprise for him to find a new one. This has never happened before, so I'm sure it was an accidental swallowing... but we don't want to take a chance that our boy will get sick. I'll get him a new feathery toy to distract him from the missing hairbands... :S
We're hoping to make that beach trip soon. We're also planning a trip to Charlotte soon. The Penguin diner is there - the one Guy Fieri visited on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives (a favey show of ours) and they serve fried pickles. My love for pickles demands that I have them fried, thus, to Charlotte we will go. lol There's also a cool fish taco place there and an awesome home-cooking type diner that has chicken and dumplings and such. I've found that I like southern food - I mean, look how I have gravitated to grits! Now I can't make it a week without them. I'm pretty sure my dad would like them, as well. But, the lack of humidity in Utah just messes them up when you make grits there. The people at waffle house know us well. And John has been labeled the toast and grits guy cause he goes in to pick some up and bring home to me frequently. Especially when I was sick so much. Toast and grits are very comforting. So, now John is T&G and getting used to it. lol
We're just enjoying the day to day while I wait for the fog to lighten up eventually. It can take several weeks, I've heard. I'll be seeing my wonderful doctor this week, though, so we'll see if we can figure things out. I've also been trying to get my therapist hooked on my blog so hopefully that works soon. XD Just kidding. Maybe I'll tell my doctor about it too. lol Why not? After all, my doc and therapist are my first friends so far. Though I don't think we'll be hanging out at the mall or anything. *slaps knee with giggling fit*
Well, I'll update again soon. All y'all keep being awesome. And thank you so much for the comments. They mean a lot to me. A bit isolated and foggy, a comment is like an Easter Egg full of money. :D