I can't explain it. Something about his eyes just wouldn't let me go. Back in those first days, we both were so dramatic and hormonal. I felt stupid talking about forever at 17 years old. But it felt like forever was this simplicity I could hold in my hands and spin or fold to my delight when it came to John.We've had some rough times. There have been horrible fights. Just awful. But at times where I'd let anyone else walk away, or I'd be able to turn my back on anyone else... one of us has the courage to release the pride and say, "Wait." And the other shoves anger and pain back and waits. That's what makes it work. We both are willing to keep giving to each other, even when we don't want to.
It's been the hardest thing in my life to let go of everything I ever thought I'd be and let John be everything he never thought he could. I know I've made it sound very happy, lately, and it mostly is. But, it's also been difficult. It's just the two of us. We're slowly making a few friends, but I spend the day by myself in our apartment. I was unpacking, but since they're tearing down the apartments across the way, it's time to start packing again. The stress of getting to this point cracked me in a few places and I started the medicine, which has helped me gain a little weight that makes me not want to look at myself. I'm trying to find the core of myself that's going to rise up from the ashes of whoever I was and be really strong. But, I've been pretty weak. But, seeing my boy go out the door in his uniform and seeing how fulfilled he feels is worth it. He deserves it for working all the horrible jobs he did while I went to school. Now it's my turn to give back. =)
You know, he has this wa
y of looking at me like I'm the most valuable thing on earth. It scared me eleven years ago. Terrified me. And since then when I've missed him, I'd see that look in my mind and keep going to endeavor to deserve it. And now as I feel ugly and fat and pathetic and crazy... he's still looking at me like that. It buoys me up now. Funny how fear becomes strength.Thank you for the years, Johnny-boy. They've been awesome. What a man you've become from the boy I met. What I saw behind the gold in your eyes has become the reality. I love you so much. With all the anguish and joy of my soul, all of everything I am. It's unbreakable, baby.
3 comments:
You made me cry. You're the other half of me, sweetheart. I die a little, everytime I leave. But you bring me back whenever I come back through that door. I love you, baby.
I've said it before and I'll say it again...
I don't believe in soulmates, but I really do think you and John are about as close as it gets. :-)
Jacob has been home for the past 2 weeks and we've both commented several times about how we wish you guys were still here so we could hang out. One of these days when we can, we're flying to wherever you guys are and we're hanging out. Done and done.
We miss you guys, too! When that day comes - when you fly here or we fly there - I am going to LOVE it!!! :D And we should have orange tictacs and watch Juno! xD
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