Knowing when to take a break and start over.

I went to Calculus 2 today (see previous post for details on why). My teacher is a grad student who has never taught before. This made me nervous because I knew it would make things harder. No syllabus was handed out (he just wrote the 40 problems due Wednesday on the board). He said we'd get it in the next few days. I have never had that happen in a college course. A syllabus and frequently a schedule are handed out right away and discussed for the first twenty minutes of class. Instead, he started teaching Calculus two minutes before the bell would ring.
I tried very hard to pay attention and to focus. I followed along okay, for the most part, but he started teaching the next day's lesson (shell theory) in the middle of teaching us volumes on a graph (taking the area of cross sections and adding them up, etc.) which completely confused me. *sigh* Then I remembered how I keep getting derivatives and integrals mixed up in my head. I started remembering how low my test scores were. And how I had to skip a full page of the final because I had no idea how to do it. I felt in awe that I pulled off the C+ I got. I felt overwhelmed.
An electrical engineer that already knows how to do it (and was actually helping the guy teaching along with the material) said he could help me, but suggested signing up for a different section or a different semester. I talked to Johnny, my little brother, and my dad. My dad understands! I told that when the lesson is explained to me -- what we're doing and why -- I understand perfectly. I just don't understand HOW to do it. He said he'd had the same problem and that it's a tough transition in Calculus.
So, I've decided to take this semester off and retake Calculus 1 next semester (in the summer) and take Calculus 2 in the Fall. Sure, it could make things take a little longer. But, I'll understand them better. I'm not doing it just to pass the class. I need to understand to be a good geologist. And I want to be an awesome geologist. So, I'm going to understand this stuff if it kills me. My Calc. 1 professor has taught before and gotten alright ratings and my Calc. 2 professor has taught a lot (including higher level math classes) and gotten pretty good ratings, so I feel much better about this.
Besides, now I can spend more time with my boys (Johnny and the Miley-kitty). And more time on stuff like laundry and actually unpacking and stuff like that. I have to admit: it feels so good that I don't have to go to school tomorrow!
The best news of all: I do understand Chemistry pretty well now. I pulled an 80% on the final exam and got a B- in the class. The grade matters less than understanding. I did better in Chem. 2 than in Chem. 1 and I really like Chemistry now. :)
So, we'll have a more relaxed little wisp writing for the next couple of months. ;)

Still rising.

I've had 6 days off and the new semester begins tomorrow. It doesn't feel like quite long enough of a break, but I'm happy to have had one. I'll admit that I am terrified to be taking Calc. 2 during a summer semester, but I'm going to give it my all. The main perk about it will be that I can focus solely on it, having only one class. And it will be over very soon, for better or worse.
The army finally paid Johnny and me on Friday, so we are very relieved to be able to pay our bills and our rent. We want to get some of the things on our list of needs taken care of, but we want to keep a lot in savings. We will hopefully be able to scrape by between John's job as a youth mentor and his monthly National Guard weekends, but I want to have some padding in case we can't.
I still haven't decided what exactly to do about my hair, but I'm leaning toward a lighter shade of brown. That's all I've been able to decide so far. I want to give my look a lift. I always thought it would be fun to have a sort of sun-kissed look for the summer. :)
It always surprises me how life can just keep moving. Even when it feels like the world is ending and there's no hope, somehow things keep taking step after step through time and suddenly it's yesterday and a memory of pain once felt, fear once endured, shakes that have stilled when you weren't thinking about it. It seems like we're actually going to make it a little longer. When John and I got engaged, he looked at me with teary eyes and told me, "You don't know what you're in for. It's going to be a hard life, but we'll be together." He was right. It has been hard. But, he always helps me through it. While he was gone it felt like I was splintering inside, but he would still call me at 1 a.m. every night and I'd snatch up the phone and he'd be there with me, healing me. (I hope I helped him a little, too.) So, though it's a hard life, it's a good life. We have these happy cozy moments; we give each other songs; we slow dance with our faces buried in each other's necks... Like David Zindell says, "Pain is the awareness of life." It surprises you how much you can take when it comes down to it. I'm so glad we didn't give up. Things are okay, like my boy promised they would be.
Here's to you, Johnny. You told me so. ;)

Color me red?

The semester is finished! No more class for a few days! Ah, finally time to... to... hm. What was it I used to do? I DON'T KNOW! It's like I don't know how to do other stuff. *forlorn little smile*
If my piano were here, I'd have sunk into some new age song with its many notes and gotten lost there. But, pianos and apartments are difficult to swing, so my baby is at my parents' house and it almost feels like I "used to play."
I have plans to scrapbook tonight or tomorrow. I have a bunch of pictures that need to be added to the binder with teeth marks all over it. So, that will be fun. I'll be starting the dreaded Calculus 2 class in a few days, so one little project would be about right to fill the time until I go back to being the girl who lost her hobbies. ;)
We received our tax returns the past week, which has helped us out a lot, and the army *should* be transferring John's bonus into the bank in the next few days. We are sorting through the need-to-do-when-the-army-finally-pays-us list: fix the car window so John doesn't have to open the door at the drive-thru, get new glasses for both of us (especially John; he's been wearing the big brown '60s glasses from basic training), take Miley to the vet, get a new camera (preferably digital), and get a new DVD player because another one is breaking. It will be good to be able to take care of some things. =)
So, my dad went gray in his late 20s/early 30s and my mom went gray like 2 years ago. Guess which one I'm taking after? That's right. My dad. Only my hairs are luminously white like my great grandmother. So if I put my cute pink clippies in my hair, I usually find a couple of white hairs -- meaning they hit me in the eye and I wonder what on earth is in my hair. Until I realize, oh, wait, IT'S MY HAIR! I am somewhat traumatized by this. I am considering dyeing it to avoid feeling like I've lost all my charms before 30. So, I'm deciding if I should go to the salon or pick up a little box with a really happy looking girl with great hair on the front. I've never treated my hair in any way: no coloring, no perms, no nothing. Every time I'd talk to my stylist about my color, she'd tell me that mine is gorgeous with a hint of red (I don't see it) and that everyone wants it, so I keep it. But, now this could override that and the world of possibilities has opened before me. I devilishly looked at an auburn hair sample at the store today, wondering if I dare. (See above picture that could maybe be me... if I dare.) Suggestions welcome. I can't do pink or anything, though because of my school's dumb ol' dress and grooming standards.
So, yes. Things are looking up in finances and there could be new hair adventures ahead. See you at the next meeting. ;)

Someday... it's complicated.

I'm going to answer a question that I have been getting since my wedding day. "So, when are you guys going to have kids?" In short, I dunno. But, I'll explain why. When this subject has come up, I have learned a lot about the way other people feel about it. Most people in this area think kids should happen right after marriage and they should keep coming. That's fine for those people. It's when they start telling me the way I'm supposed to do it that I start to feel upset.
I've been called selfish, and you know what, maybe it is. But, I never wanted the Mormon dream of a big family. I came from that and we did a fine job pretending on the outside, but we were not a happy family. Still aren't, really. We've just learned how to deal with it. My siblings are all extremely different from one another.
My parents have never gotten along well; they get along better now than ever before, but there are still days that are more difficult. I dated a lot of guys that treated me like crap and after a while I didn't want to get married at all. But, Johnny changed that. He taught me a lot about people and a lot about myself. I couldn't help loving him. I got married to be with him. I'm happy. I can decide things for myself, I can be who I want, I can accomplish things. And I am terrified of changing that, I'll admit. John's family life was no picnic either and, in our worlds, families aren't happy. Both of us feel a little unqualified to try to make the kind of family we want.
I've been learning to let the little things that make me mad go, and notice the little things that make me happy. I'm not that good at it, yet, but I'm trying.
The thing is, we want to have kids so badly. But, life dealt us a bad hand, I gotta tell you. We both were laid off from our jobs a month before we got married. We've been working low-paying, undesirable jobs for the majority of our marriage. I taught kids piano that got higher allowance than I got paid from their parents in a month. John delivered packages at least 12 hours a day, the best driver they had. His reward was no sick days, no vacation days, and cut salary right after we moved into an apartment we could barely afford. We don't have connections. Neither of us can get a job from family. Sure, I could try begging my extended relatives, but we find it more honorable to earn our own bread. And we've earned everything we have.
My parents have been helping me with school and it is a sacrifice for them. I've had a lot of pressure to do well; every test I take I feel like if I don't do well then I let down my present family and my future family. We have always been struggling. We have tried to get a sturdy footing beneath us, but every time it feels like we have, a foot breaks through. Everyone tells me there's never a right time to have kids. But, there is a wrong time and it's been the wrong time for us and we don't know when it will change. I want to be past the hardest time of our life when our kids are here. I don't want to explain to them they can't play an instrument or they can't play soccer because of money. I just want to give our kids chances - not the chances we didn't have, their chances. I don't want to be rich, I just want enough to make it and to take care of them. Well, we haven't been making it.
I know God. I talk to him a lot and lately I get answers. He agrees that it's not our time for kids. He has been helping us despite all the things we "should" be doing that we haven't been. He still takes care of us because he's about so much more. And when we're ready, we'll have some beautiful kids and I am going to love them from somewhere I haven't even found yet and I'll keep loving them, even when they hate me. I'll love them and try to help them be good people in their own ways. So that's the extremely long answer to "why" that I kinda doubt anyone had the tenacity to read. (Good job if you did!) But, I feel so much better, because seriously the last couple of years have just snapped me into pieces and I've needed to just tell someone how much I want those things that I can't have yet.
So, yes. We'll have kids someday. With birthday parties and Halloween costumes and backpacks and science projects and math homework. And we'll do our best to have a good family, whatever that ends up meaning for us.

So, funny story...

A few weeks back, I went to visit my Chemistry teacher to see if he could extend a few homework deadlines for me. I told him about our stressful situation and that I just needed a little help. I had a sinus infection, so I was all stuffed up (this is important). He gave me some extra time for the assignments I needed and gave me some encouragement.
The next day, I attended lecture as usual. After class I started walking across the room and my professor kind of pounced forward, saying, "Christine!" He explained to me that while I was there he was thinking, "This girl is really sick. Like sick. She is just passing gas in my office! Whew!" (!) I turned bright red -- there were like 30 students standing around waiting for his attention and listening. He continued, "But then I found out later that in the lab below my office they were doing some experiments involving methane gas! They were treating cow manure! I told the guy in charge of it how I had thought it was you, and he pointed out, 'That student probably thought it was you!'"
He thought it was me!!!
"I am going to be telling this story for years! This is just so hilarious!" he finished and I attempted a laugh and then went on my way. I honestly hadn't smelled anything, due to my stuffiness, so I had no idea. Gah!
Well, in time I came to think it was funny, too. So, the last day of classes I got some air freshener spray. I put a sticky note on it that said, "For my next visit..." and left it in a bag on his door handle. I didn't put my name on it, but I had a feeling he'd know who left it for him. I snuck back later and stuck my head in the open office door.
"I knew it was you!!! Oh, I was laughing my guts out! You are awesome!" :) So, he thought it was funny, too. It made the last day so fun. *sigh* Shows that having a sense of humor can make life easier. And I'm pretty sure he'll remember me for a long time.

Night Drunk During The Day

*yawn* Well, I guess I just thought the graveyard shift wouldn't really affect us. heh heh. A lot of sleeping's been going on... sort of. I try to sleep while Johnny's at work, but Miles wakes me up every two hours trying to get me to notice that Daddy's gone. "I know that, cat! Sleepy time!" But, he won't sleep. He sits by the door or pulls my hair or just sits down and bawls. John gets home from work just in time to help me get ready and drive me to school (I have offered to ride the bus, but he's too chivalrous to let me if he can help it). He naps while I'm in class (I try not to nap while I'm in class, which can be challenging) and then he picks me up, we come home and eat lunch, then he sleeps for a while. This is when Miles decides he can finally sleep -- on my lap. Johnny wakes up around 6 or 7 and we have dinner and a few hours until he goes to work just after ten. *dizzy* Thankfully, though, this will only be Monday through Thursday. Johnny will have from Friday to Sunday to catch up and spend more time with the Tiney and the kitty.
Another reason we're all sleeping so much is that we're so relieved. True, this job doesn't have the most hours or the highest pay, but it's a job! The stress is melting away. :) Well, Miley still stresses a bit more than he needs to, but I've had a talk with him and I think he'll follow my advice.
We're just adapting to our new schedules and smiling silly smiles. Tonight I plan on a Night o' Ghost Hunters. I fell asleep during the past two episodes and this week's new one should be up, as well. Eee hee hee! (I'd better stay awake!)

The sun breaks through.

Things have been a little trying lately. I had to write the 20-pg. paper by myself in one day because my group wouldn't help. They each wrote a little bit, but attributed things to wrong sources or didn't cite a source at all, so I had to rewrite their stuff. (Plus one of them actually used my writing from our proposal for his section.) So, I sent them a stern email (daring, I know) and let them know that it wasn't okay and that I was folding from the pressure. Since then, they've stepped up their game quite a bit and helped finish up the final draft and are pulling their weight for our 15-min. oral presentation we have tomorrow.
And Johnny got a job! He'll be a mentor at a home for troubled teenage boys during the graveyard shift. He is so excited. He has always wanted to help kids that are going through a tough time because of all he went through during those years of his life. He starts tonight at 11:00 PM. He oozes excitement and nerves. :) The job came just in the nick of time -- we'd only had $12 in the bank for several days. My parents helped us with a little food and gas money, so we made it just long enough. *sigh of relief* Now if we can just get the army to pay us we'll be in business!
And the semester is drawing to a close. My recent Chemistry test went really well. I got 93% on the multiple choice (I missed one, yo!) and I missed 1.5 on the short answer portion. I am so glad that Chemistry is making sense. I've had a really good teacher. I'll be taking Calculus during Spring term and then in the Fall I'll be taking: Field Studies, Geological Communications, Mineralogy, the third Chemistry class (107 -- it's all lab work), and a Geology seminar. I think it will be good. I know a guy from my Physical Geology class that will also be taking Calculus and I have a friend and my big brudder that can help me out.
So, things are looking up. It's been scary, but we've been sticking together through it. "They were glued together, body and soul, that much more with their backs up against the wall." It's going to be okay.