Sometimes I get homesick when I'm already home. A while ago I was sick and thus staying home feeling blck and I'd just woken up when I told my husband, "Let's go somewhere." He smiled patiently, still in his work uniform, and asked, "Where do you want to go?" "Home."
I think there is a part of all of us that isn't meant to feel at home here. I'm pretty sure I'd feel safer where God is (He is God, after all). Maybe that feeling is part of this weird drive I have. A drive to become and to change and to just... be more. I feels like there's something I need to do -- not a specific thing like destiny, I just need to do something. I try to talk about it. How I want to finish my degree and use it and be something. I can't describe it well enough. I thought it would fade as I got older, but it's gotten stronger. I want being a mom to be part of it, too, but it's something else apart from even that. I wish I knew what it is. And why it is. I just feel like a plant in too small of a flower pot. Like I've got to keep growing or die. Whatever it is, God's glad I want to be better. Just sometimes I feel like I'm crazy because no one seems to know what I'm talking about. (And then I think I should stop talking before they make that call.) Whatever and whyever, I never want to stop. Never never.
I think there is a part of all of us that isn't meant to feel at home here. I'm pretty sure I'd feel safer where God is (He is God, after all). Maybe that feeling is part of this weird drive I have. A drive to become and to change and to just... be more. I feels like there's something I need to do -- not a specific thing like destiny, I just need to do something. I try to talk about it. How I want to finish my degree and use it and be something. I can't describe it well enough. I thought it would fade as I got older, but it's gotten stronger. I want being a mom to be part of it, too, but it's something else apart from even that. I wish I knew what it is. And why it is. I just feel like a plant in too small of a flower pot. Like I've got to keep growing or die. Whatever it is, God's glad I want to be better. Just sometimes I feel like I'm crazy because no one seems to know what I'm talking about. (And then I think I should stop talking before they make that call.) Whatever and whyever, I never want to stop. Never never.
2 comments:
Christine dear,
I have always had a strong desire to be home. Home where I know I am loved regardless, embraced with stong, loving open arms. I have been told that is a thin spot in the veil. Homesick? yes. I understand. ;) love you, jr
I definitely relate. It's this feeling that gives my life meaning, I suppose. You have a good way of putting your feelings into words. I guess that's why you are a writer!
Post a Comment