Swept away.

David Lanz calls the piano the Dark Horse. It's so frequently a shadow in the background. But unless you've galloped through it's trills and glissandos, you can't know the thrill of the ride on a Dark Horse. I am a pianist. Non-practicing, seeing as how I don't have a piano at present. But inside I am always longing for the feel of the keys beneath the tips of my fingers. Something happens to me when I really play. The more challenging the piece, the more I've put into it, the more lost I find myself in another place. The music wraps me up and separates me somehow. It sweeps me away and holds me. Nothing can touch me. It's just the music and Christine. And it is beautiful and I am beautiful. And God sees me there as the person I wish I were. It's the way I can finally pray sincerely and he knows exactly what's in my heart and my mind beyond words and beyond religion.
I used to give someone a song when it was their birthday or at Christmas as their gift. In my early college days, some friends and I would find a piano room somewhere on campus and I would play for hours and they would sit with me and talk softly. Any emotions that were mixed up inside the chambers of my soul escaped into the music and peace found its way in. Much of the time my fingers start moving independently of my mind; it just flows. I find a fulfillment through music that cannot and will not be satisfied in any other way.
And I'm hungry.

Some more about me.

Okay, I've been tagged by two people and I don't understand my math. So, today is the day.

I'll do them both in the same post, starting with the shorter one, which wants to know six quirks about me. I guess I can pare it down to 6. To explain the picture: So, it's my soul.

1- I have to dance. In the car, in a public restroom... anywhere. If I get a song that beats a certain way, I just have to. And I don't get too embarrassed about it anymore, either. Because, well, I'm an okay dancer. Some of you know that I did latin ballroom dancing for several years. My best two dances are cha cha and samba. Well, I do rhumba well, too. I incorporate that type of movement into my gettin'-down-with-my-bad-self dancing. It's probably quite humorous to watch.

2- I listen to Japanese music. A lot. And I sing along in Japanese. It makes people think I'm weird, which I enjoy, so it's all fun to me.

3- Since I was a kid I have randomly gotten cravings for pickles. When I was like 7 I'd go to the fridge with a spoon and go at the relish. Only dill, I'd like to clarify. Get that sweet and bread 'n' butter stuff away from me. So far, I recommend anything with big chunks of garlic at the bottom of the jar.

4- I procrastinate in odd ways. And I feel guilty the whole time. Johnny will ask, "Don't you have homework?" and I'll say, "Yes, but I really needed to organize my pencils right now." You see the problem.

5- I have to finish the meal with something sweet. It doesn't feel like I'm done eating unless I've had a sweet something. Even if it's small, even if it has to be gum (desperate measures). If I have a savory breakfast, toast with jam comes at the end. *shrug* John thinks it's cute. (That's my defense.)

6- I like to read before I fall asleep. Even if it's 2 am and I'm barely making it to the bed without knocking stuff over, I will try to read. (And John gives me that one-eyebrow-raised-"you're serious?" look and takes it away after the second time I drop the book on my face.)

One down, one to go.

This one's called five things, but it's listing five things about a bunch of things. It's a long one. I've warned you, though, so no volatile comments.

10 Years Ago I:

1- Met Johnny going to see Patch Adams. Little did I know...

2- Quit taking piano lessons. My teacher wanted too much from me at a time when I had enough pressure at school and with my social life. Funny enough, I played the piano more after I quite taking lessons. Because I wanted to, because I had to. I can't sort out my life without my piano.

3- Had an awful relationship with my parents.

4- Was writing a fantasy novel. It's not done yet.

5- Met a teacher at school that was like a second father. Without him I would be a different person now. We still keep in touch from time to time.

5 things on today's "to do list:"

1- Math.

2- Chemistry.

3- See my niece.

4- Play video games for the first time since Johnny left.

5- Paleontology.

5 Snacks I enjoy:

1- Pickles and cheese. I eat them together. So?

2- Banana bread with butter.

3- Fruit snacks.

4- Granola bars.

5- Cold cereal.

5 places I've lived: (rats, this will be sad)

1- San Jose, California

2- Orem, Utah

3- Mapleton, Utah

4- Logan, Utah

5- Hell, Utah

(I'm witty.)

5 Jobs I've had:

1- Burger King person

2- Executive Assistant

3- Office Assistant

4- Bagel sandwich making girl

5- Piano teacher

5 Pet Peeves:

1- Annoying noises (all of my neighbors are in violation, by the way)

2- When someone decides to educate me about something (in a snooty fashion) that I understand better than they do

3- People flirting around me as if I'm not there (a little nauseus just mentioning it)

4- I don't want to see what you're chewing.

5- Country music. (I've tried!)

5 things that bring me joy:

1- Reading and writing

2- Cooking

3- Johnny

4- Geology

5- Johnny

5 People I tag:

I don't know 5 people with blogs (unless you count the ones that don't update) so I'll have to say Johnny (when he gets back) and anyone who feels like it.

Well, now you know a little more about me. If you need some space for a while, I'll understand. ;)

A shiver down the spine and a shadow near the door...

Since I was a child I've been in love with mystery. Secrets, intrigue, adventure... and this little man with an egg-shaped head and a tidy little mustache named Hercule Poirot. The opening credits fascinated me with this alluring song that pulled me into the 20s and 30s. In the BBC series I prefer, David Suchet portrays the Belgian detective perfectly. I started reading the books in junior high school. I'd read Nancy Drew and some other mystery series, but I had never experienced the mind of Agatha Christie. It's like saying I'd never tasted chocolate. Her writing is a delicacy, known for such dark richness that as you taste it you can think of nothing else. She is a cunning observer of people; she knows how we will think as we step through her tale. Most mysteries I read I can tell in the first few chapters who the culprit is because of some obvious supposed-foreshadowing the author tried to make subtle (failing to do so). And by the time I get to the end, the story has been a weight on me and with each page I wanted to slap its sleuth on the head at their inability. But, not with Miss Agatha. I have to tiptoe across her details, trying to out-think her, trying to perceive what she has placed there to mislead me and what she has hidden behind a word to give me a hint of suspicion in the right direction. Sometimes I am correct in my guesses. But she can still get me; I still finish the book wondering how I'd missed so many things. Especially with the final Poirot novel, Curtain -- don't read it until you've read all the others. I have goosebumps at this moment at the memory. The mention of mystery will still make my eyes widen with interest, but my heart is Agatha's all the way.
Just another piece of me.

Exploring the places of the deep...

This weekend I hiked up to Timpanogas Cave with John's sister, her daughters, and some of her friends. It was pouring rain and it was awesome! I'd never been in a cave before, actually. I learned a lot. We saw some fossilized coral, tons of stalactites, and other cool geologic processes. I might even do my thesis on a certain curling growth of calcite in the cave that all the theories as to why they grow that way have been proven wrong. That's a while in the future, of course. But, the tour guide had a background in geology and he said I should try working there next summer. (That would be amazing.) I'm thinking about it. I also have been thinking about trying to get on at the Earth Science Museum at school and work with dinosaur fossils. A friend of mine works there and some cool opportunities have come her way because of it. The hike back down was easier, though wetter. I love rain, though, so it didn't bother me. Then I decided to spend a small fortune in the gift shop on rocks. *shaking of head* But they're cool rocks - several geodes, too. It was fun to get to know Johnny's sister better and her sweet girls. It was their first time to the cave, as well. When I go to places like that, it just reinforces to me that I'm in the right field. Even if it is a difficult field as far as math, chemistry, and physics go. I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself about school. It's still hard to concentrate and it feels like I'm doing much worse than everyone else. But, I think that's how everyone is feeling (except those really smart kids). I'm adjusting to no-Johnny. The homework gives me a good pace to work through. And by the time finals are over it will be Christmas! I still miss my boy. He is my dream while I am awake.

Sweet.

Yesterday I had a 12-hour field trip with my Paleontology class. I have to admit, I wasn't entirely enthusiastic about it at first. They stole (they stole) a Saturday from me. Sleep and I haven't been very close lately and this field trip could have endangered that relationship. But, I of course got up at 5:30 a.m. and got ready to spend all day in the outdoors. We all met up at the science building at 7 a.m. and headed out for some fossil digging. I was getting more excited at this point. First we went to an awesome site with a lot of shale. We would be looking for trilobites while we were there. While my professor was explaining how to find them and what areas not to dig in because of instability, I looked down and saw a pretty big fossil of a trilobite just laying on the ground! I picked it up and showed him when he was done. He told me I probably wouldn't find a better one the whole time. (Which was true.) I learned that I love smacking rocks with a rock hammer. It's really fun! I said to my classmates, "There must not be any Paleontologists in therapy! Look at this! (I smacked a rock a few times.) I have no anger whatsoever!" And the feeling you get when you split a rock apart and you find a fossil inside... it's golden. Then we headed to another site where we were able to just pick up little marine fossils out of the dirt! Brachiopods, crinoids, corals, bryozoans... it was amazing! I found an enormous brachiopod. It had a nick that had been knocked off, revealing that the inside was filled with crystals, like a geode. It was awesome. Next, we headed to a mountain where all of the rocks are just stuffed with tiny brachiopod shells. Masses of seashells just compacted into these rocks. You pick one up, thinking it's a sparkly rock and when you look closely you realize it sparkles because of all of the shells. I was getting pretty tired by that time. I needed to eat because I get so weak and shaky and dizzy when I don't, but I was so car sick from the bumpy roads that I was too nauseous to eat. It was okay, though; the fossils were worth it!!! So, I hauled back three bags of fossils and I was gloriously dirty. My bodacity is thus established. Finding the biggest trilobite in the class was very rewarding for me because I've felt like an idiot that didn't belong in the class. But, I found that I held my own finding fossils. And I got to know the other people in my class better. I talked to a couple of guys about video games a lot on the way home. And when I finally got home, after picking up some dinner, there was a letter from my Johnny in the mailbox. I had a great day. (Which is good since I'm pretty sure I bombed my calculus test the day before. I was in the testing center for 3 hours! At that point I decided I would never know the answer and left and cried later. So discouraging. I'd never felt more stupid or more like a failure than when I was sitting there with no idea how to do several problems that must be involved because they gave me a full page to work it on. So, doing something right at last felt pretty sweet.)
So, whenever any of you visit, be prepared to be forced to look at the fossils. I put an awesome crinoid fossil picture on here so you guys can see what they're like. I only found a few little bits of stem, but they're mine! All mine!!! *evil booming laughter*
Now I've just got my Chemistry test to take tomorrow and things will calm down for a little bit. Hopefully. 3 tests and a 12-hr. field trip within a week's time is just too much. But, I do it anyway and roll with it. Please excuse me, though, I need to sort the fossils of awesomeness. ;)

Free Your Soul

I have this Japanese movie called Ping Pong that I love. It's about some high school boys that play ping pong in national tournaments. But, it's not just a flat sports movie. (Actually, nothing the Japanese create is flat, from my experience.) The movie is based on a manga (comic) and there is a theme running through the movie that Johnny loves talking about with people. There are two boys that are best friends Peko and Tsukimoto, whom they call Smile because he never does. Peko chased some bullies away from Smile when they were kids and taught him to play ping pong and they became best friends. Peko was always the best out of all their friends. But Smile became more and more talented. However, he'd pull back playing against Peko. Peko was his hero; how could he beat his hero? To make an awesome story too short, Tsukimoto rises in tournaments and Peko realizes that he, too, needs to rise and work hard and become Tsukimoto's hero again. (And Tsukimoto smiles.) There's a part near the end, where Peko is playing in the semi-finals and his knee begins hurting really bad due to a prior injury. He turns away from his competitor and crouches over a bit, breathing hard. Tsukimoto is not watching, he is out on the stairs. But, in their minds, they talk. Tsukimoto asks Peko if he is strong and he nods. He tells Peko that his knee will be alright. "Listen to it." And Peko suddenly pulls strength from somewhere and plays better than he ever has. He goes into that zone you disappear into when you love something very much and it just happens, your body just does it. He always says, "Hiiro kenzan!" which means, "Enter the Hero!" And he becomes the hero again.
I am experiencing something like that with Johnny. We're becoming stronger for each other and I cannot let him down. Even if my knee will never be the same. And somehow we're holding each other up a little bit even though we haven't been in contact for a week and a half. Whenever I go to that miserable lonely corner inside myself where I feel like I will break down completely while I cry, there's some part of him waiting there, saying, "Are you strong?" And I nod. So now I've got to get my game on, eh? I'm sorry for my weakness earlier. But, I think weakness is important. You learn a lot about yourself as you step away from that weakness and force yourself to shed its safety. It comes slowly but I'm finding that it's so sweet. I've never thought of pain as sweet before. But it is; it's exquisite. Refining. I really appreciate you guys being there for me. I've got to actually play the game and stop favoring my knee because it hurts. I'm emerging into that place where, it's not that you don't feel the pain anymore, you just don't allow it to affect you. You fly.
"Hiiro kenzan!"

Mopiness and Whininess

John came to me in my dreams last night and told me to sleep on his shoulder. So I did and I finally slept pretty well, if not for very long. ... But waking up alone was so much harder. It's all I can do, you guys. I'm living one minute to the next. My letter to him is approaching novel-length and I'm just waiting for an address to send it to. I hate being unable to contact him. I knew it would be this way, though. It's difficult to suddenly be alone. At school it's a little weird because I can't hang out with single people and for some annoying reason married people only want to do couple stuff. (Yay for another dimension in which I don't fit.) At least I have my fossils to take my mind off of things. (Thank you dear crinoids.) I was surprised with how alright I was right after Johnny left, and now I realize it just gets heavier with time. It's hard to care about things - school, church, anything. I realize that with him gone no one needs me. And I know that I'm the one that always shuts people out. I'm always fine and I don't need anything. I'm exactly like my dad. So many people told me that this would be just like when Johnny went on a mission for our religion. It's not like that at all. I was 18 before and I lived with other people and I hadn't gotten used to being around him all the time. (He's a human antidepressant. Everyone's happier around him.) And I miss things I hadn't even processed about him. Like tucking him in after he falls asleep. And how dirty he makes the sink when he washes his hands after work. His sneezing (which happened a few times a day at least). His falling asleep all the time. The little lists of stuff to eat he'd make me when I was hungry and putting off eating. The clicking of the Nintendo controller. The odd ways he flirts with me. The songs he always finds for me and tells me the words are about us. And I have so much homework and I can't focus on it. Hell, breathing is harder without him, how can I find a derivative? (I'm still not sure what a derivative is!) But, I'm making it. I know I am smart enough to do this. And I work hard. Maybe it gets a little easier in time. Maybe soon I'll stop thinking I heard him call my name from the kitchen. And I'll stop reaching out for him in my sleep. And listening for his key in the door. I can't even cook. I've eaten only fast food and frozen food since he left. I let all the ingredients we'd had to make our last dinner together go bad in the fridge because I couldn't bear to make it alone. But I will make myself cook soon. Just like I force myself to do my homework even though I couldn't care less. I will be happy during this time. I refuse to have a mopey whiny 20 weeks. (Side note: I apologize for the mopiness and whininess of this post, by the by.)

So, there we go. I've tried to be fine, but I'm not fine and it's okay. And I will be more than fine soon. Trust me.