Like Smoke

Well, here we are. At this junction again. It's funny how when John got back from his trainings we were relieved because we wouldn't have to be apart again for a long time. :D Not even a year later, we'll be saying goodbye again. Not for as long (at least it better not be, cause that would annoy my landlord a bit), but it doesn't make it easier.
Last time I was weak. I admit that. Honestly, I had leaned on John a bit too much without realizing it. It made me a lot stronger to be on my own. It is hard to be alone. You have to be alright with yourself. And if you aren't, you gotta learn to be or it won't get any better. We all have our little voids inside that we try to fill with anything other than self-love. For some reason it feels wrong to love oneself, it feels selfish. I think asking everyone else to love you without giving back is selfish and that most people that act that way do it because they don't know how to love themselves. Loving yourself isn't selfish at all. It's important. It makes it easier to accept the love of someone else and to give love back to that person.
I'm hoping that I've maintained some of the strength I gained the last time we were apart - otherwise, what was the point, eh? I hope I handle things better this time. If not, I apologize in advance for any whining found here. ;) Pathetically, I've tried to push John away lately because in my mind I think that will make it easier. It doesn't, of course. It's still going to hurt. "Pain is the awareness of life," though. It's unavoidable. Whenever I was about to get a cortizone shot or a nerve block I'd tell myself, "It's just pain. Just feel it. Don't resist it. Just feel it, then let it go." And I relaxed and handled the pain and it lingered and faded and eventually was gone. Like smoke.
So, that's what I'm going to try to do emotionally. It's going to hurt. I'm going to take it. And eventually, it will be gone. Another quote I love is that "it's not brave if you're not scared." So, hey, I guess I'm being brave. :)