Somewhere in between...

Last night John and I cried a lot together. We held each other tight. We told each other that we didn't know how we were going to do it. This morning we got ready and went up to Salt Lake to the hotel we needed to drop John off at. Our friend Jesse came with us because I knew I couldn't drive home after saying goodbye. We spent some of the day up there. The city was pretty empty and creepy. It's changed a lot with the economy and a lot of the buildings are just shells now. We had dinner at the only restaurant we could find open and spent a lot of time talking and laughing. I'd actually been thinking I was doing really well until Johnny was saying goodbye to us at the car. We cried some more (actually, we cried very hard) and squeezed each other and kissed and just couldn't say goodbye. I couldn't leave him there. Finally, Jesse and I had to get in the car and say goodbye for real and I put my hand on the window wishing I could reach through and pull him back to me. He stood there in the parking lot as we were driving away and as we were going I could see him crying harder and it was killing me. On the way home I talked about everything else I was stressed about except John. I thought I'd be a mess and bawling but I just couldn't very much. Not until I was home alone with Miles and it started sinking in. Then Miles went over to the door, waiting for John to come home. And I looked at him and started to cry. "He's not coming home, Miles." He's still pacing around the apartment, waiting. He might decide John's gone to another drill, until a couple of days go by and he's still not home. He always gets really mean on the second day of John's drill. I don't know how he'll handle it. John is safety to both of us. So, I cried and then Miles threw up because he ate too fast because I fed him late and then I almost threw up... I'm dreading going to bed because I know I'll just sit there and stare at the empty half of it and wish to God that my Johnny would come back. That he would stroke my hair and wipe the tears off my cheeks and tell me it's okay. It was so hard to say, "See you at Christmas." All I want is to be holding his hand right now. I've always loved how our hands just fit together just right. I have to start getting ready for school in 5 hours. I don't expect it to be a good day; I don't want it to be. But, I'll be strong for Johnny because now it's time to follow through on my promises. It feels wrong to shatter and it feels wrong to be alright. I'll just have to be somewhere in between for a while. I can still feel my Johnny, though. December is only 4 months away. Just one semester. I can do anything for 4 months. I can do it. I will do it.