Free Your Soul

I have this Japanese movie called Ping Pong that I love. It's about some high school boys that play ping pong in national tournaments. But, it's not just a flat sports movie. (Actually, nothing the Japanese create is flat, from my experience.) The movie is based on a manga (comic) and there is a theme running through the movie that Johnny loves talking about with people. There are two boys that are best friends Peko and Tsukimoto, whom they call Smile because he never does. Peko chased some bullies away from Smile when they were kids and taught him to play ping pong and they became best friends. Peko was always the best out of all their friends. But Smile became more and more talented. However, he'd pull back playing against Peko. Peko was his hero; how could he beat his hero? To make an awesome story too short, Tsukimoto rises in tournaments and Peko realizes that he, too, needs to rise and work hard and become Tsukimoto's hero again. (And Tsukimoto smiles.) There's a part near the end, where Peko is playing in the semi-finals and his knee begins hurting really bad due to a prior injury. He turns away from his competitor and crouches over a bit, breathing hard. Tsukimoto is not watching, he is out on the stairs. But, in their minds, they talk. Tsukimoto asks Peko if he is strong and he nods. He tells Peko that his knee will be alright. "Listen to it." And Peko suddenly pulls strength from somewhere and plays better than he ever has. He goes into that zone you disappear into when you love something very much and it just happens, your body just does it. He always says, "Hiiro kenzan!" which means, "Enter the Hero!" And he becomes the hero again.
I am experiencing something like that with Johnny. We're becoming stronger for each other and I cannot let him down. Even if my knee will never be the same. And somehow we're holding each other up a little bit even though we haven't been in contact for a week and a half. Whenever I go to that miserable lonely corner inside myself where I feel like I will break down completely while I cry, there's some part of him waiting there, saying, "Are you strong?" And I nod. So now I've got to get my game on, eh? I'm sorry for my weakness earlier. But, I think weakness is important. You learn a lot about yourself as you step away from that weakness and force yourself to shed its safety. It comes slowly but I'm finding that it's so sweet. I've never thought of pain as sweet before. But it is; it's exquisite. Refining. I really appreciate you guys being there for me. I've got to actually play the game and stop favoring my knee because it hurts. I'm emerging into that place where, it's not that you don't feel the pain anymore, you just don't allow it to affect you. You fly.
"Hiiro kenzan!"

Mopiness and Whininess

John came to me in my dreams last night and told me to sleep on his shoulder. So I did and I finally slept pretty well, if not for very long. ... But waking up alone was so much harder. It's all I can do, you guys. I'm living one minute to the next. My letter to him is approaching novel-length and I'm just waiting for an address to send it to. I hate being unable to contact him. I knew it would be this way, though. It's difficult to suddenly be alone. At school it's a little weird because I can't hang out with single people and for some annoying reason married people only want to do couple stuff. (Yay for another dimension in which I don't fit.) At least I have my fossils to take my mind off of things. (Thank you dear crinoids.) I was surprised with how alright I was right after Johnny left, and now I realize it just gets heavier with time. It's hard to care about things - school, church, anything. I realize that with him gone no one needs me. And I know that I'm the one that always shuts people out. I'm always fine and I don't need anything. I'm exactly like my dad. So many people told me that this would be just like when Johnny went on a mission for our religion. It's not like that at all. I was 18 before and I lived with other people and I hadn't gotten used to being around him all the time. (He's a human antidepressant. Everyone's happier around him.) And I miss things I hadn't even processed about him. Like tucking him in after he falls asleep. And how dirty he makes the sink when he washes his hands after work. His sneezing (which happened a few times a day at least). His falling asleep all the time. The little lists of stuff to eat he'd make me when I was hungry and putting off eating. The clicking of the Nintendo controller. The odd ways he flirts with me. The songs he always finds for me and tells me the words are about us. And I have so much homework and I can't focus on it. Hell, breathing is harder without him, how can I find a derivative? (I'm still not sure what a derivative is!) But, I'm making it. I know I am smart enough to do this. And I work hard. Maybe it gets a little easier in time. Maybe soon I'll stop thinking I heard him call my name from the kitchen. And I'll stop reaching out for him in my sleep. And listening for his key in the door. I can't even cook. I've eaten only fast food and frozen food since he left. I let all the ingredients we'd had to make our last dinner together go bad in the fridge because I couldn't bear to make it alone. But I will make myself cook soon. Just like I force myself to do my homework even though I couldn't care less. I will be happy during this time. I refuse to have a mopey whiny 20 weeks. (Side note: I apologize for the mopiness and whininess of this post, by the by.)

So, there we go. I've tried to be fine, but I'm not fine and it's okay. And I will be more than fine soon. Trust me.

Have you seen my highjump boots?

I have often wondered why I've always been so different from other girls. I'm girly in that I like pink and looking pretty and such. But, I also love video games (more than just MarioKart), GI Joe, Hot Wheels, martial arts, anime, action flicks (though I love chick flicks, too), science fiction, and so on. I've always felt like I could do whatever I wanted, that I could be powerful. And I realize now that a game I've played since I was a child had a big impact on how I felt about my possibilities. When I was pretty little, around 6, we had a Nintendo (the first one -- my roots are pure) and of course we had The Gold Cartridge, which was Zelda, and we had Metroid. My two brothers and I played it and played it. For any out there unfamiliar with Metroid (and tsk tsk to you), you play as Samus Aran, a character in a yellow-brown space suit and you fight evil alien-type creatures gaining new weaponry and better suits as you go, fighting Ridley and the Mother Brain, saving the universe. (Ah, the memories.) Well, my big brother finally beat the game and the two of us younger kids were there watching, enraptured as the music signified the ultimate glory of the accomplishment. Well, Samus walks to the middle of the screen and removes the spacesuit's helmet. And you realize that Samus is a woman. My brothers had some confusion at first, but I felt this amazing feeling that I could be like that. When the Super Nintendo came out we also got Super Metroid (and Zelda: A Link To The Past must not be left out). That game was even cooler and I was old enough to enjoy it more (and beat the living tar out of it). I would actually go to my game profile and travel to... I think it was Brinstar, and I'd leave Samus in a safe place and just listen to the music while I did my homework. (That was before I realized the game was timed and you got different endings depending on how fast you got through it.) Well, now they've had the Metroid Prime series, Metroid Zero Mission, Metroid Fusion, and one for the DS, only some of which I've played ($). She impacted me because she could do anything. And she was smart, which you realize even more in the newer games. I yearned to be strong like that, to be that independent and capable and absolutely fearless. Since I'd grown up in a capsule of fear, you could imagine how much I wished to be someone else stronger than who I was. Maybe that's part of why I've needed school and want to work in my field (though I threw being an astronaut out the window when I found out that Ridley wasn't actually out there needing defeating) and to just BE something. So many people let video games be the scapegoat for their kids' stupid decisions, but video games can be a good part of a child's life; you just need to get the right games. When I hear the music for the gold cartridge's main screen, I actually well up because it takes me back to my old basement, sitting on the floor in a puddle of sunshine leaking in through the window exploring another world's creatures and saving the galaxy from the Mother Brain's sinister plans. Back when the future was bright and the world was big and I never had to think about who I was -- I just was. I was a hero. I mean, I saved Zelda! Those games helped shape me as a person and gave me examples of honor and bravery and selflessness. So, I guess I just wanted to appreciate a childhood hero for never letting me down. As for following in her footsteps... well, I'm almost to the varia suit.

The Ultimate Late Bloomer

Today I learned about the awesome type of salamander in Mexico called the axolotl. When everything is normal and happy, they keep their gills, remaining in their larval form and living in the water. But, if the water stagnates and gets all blcky (my own word), it will grow into its adult phase with lungs out of necessity. Then it can go on land and find a healthier water source and reproduce there. This kind of change is called heterochrony, and more specifically neoteny.
I'd found a few pictures of the axolotl on the web a while back and had never heard of them. But, I loved them because they look like they're smiling at you. I love learning about this stuff. I like to know why.
School's okay. I have A LOT of homework at all times. It's around 11 pm and I still have chemistry to read, a math assignment to start, and a math pretest to study for (if I don't pass it, I don't get to take Calculus after all). But, I was so excited about my Paleontology reading that I had to write a post about it. The level of fascination I reach when I really get into this stuff reminds why I'm doing what I am. I even started enjoying Darwin's writing once I got used to it. And the man makes a lot of really good points (backed with much evidence or questioning of other evidence -- just the way I likes it). This past week we applied our reading of Darwin by trying to categorize a bunch of brachiopod fossils (shelly-type things) into genus, species, sub-species, and varieties, just by looking at the differences in them. Let's just say I now fully understand why Darwin could get frustrated. *wink* I love handling the fossils, though. In math, I thought I was getting behind, but today I was one of very few who had even finished the assignment. So, the panic has died down... a bit. Chemistry is good. The first assignment is due this week, as well as our first exploratory lab measuring out moles, so we'll see how I do. I don't have to do every lab, so I might need to skip this one to get ready to take that pretest. I get 2 tries on it, at least. Johnny was able to call me on Saturday for a few mintues, so I'm just getting by until I can hear from him again. I'm writing about his calls, letters, and progress on his blog, actually, at spyder311.blogspot.com if anyone is interested in checking up from time to time.
Well, thanks for tolerating my excitement about salmanders. :)

50 Random Things About Me

I've seen this on a couple of blogs and thought it might be fun.

1. I love violin music.
2. John and I have several books that we read aloud to each other.
3. I love dragons to an obnoxious level.
4. I have a substantial collection of Japanese music. And if I don't know the words, I sing anyway. (Like John's grandpa with the ukulele.)
5. I am addicted to finding cool wallpapers online.
6. I usually have to read myself to sleep to get my brain to turn off.
7. I love mysteries! I'm a little picky, though cause they can be done very badly. My favorite authors in the genre are Agatha Christie (she can fool me most of the time) and Rita Mae Brown (I usually guess correct, but I don't know after the first two chapters).
8. When I was 3 years old I could recite the entire script of Disney's Robin Hood along with the movie. ("Put that peashooter da-own.") And I tried to whistle along with the song even though I can't whistle.
9. As a child I kind of wanted Sylvester to get to catch Tweety.
10. When I'm falling asleep I'll lie about it.
11. I have a stack of Berenstain Bear books. And I still feel cozy when I read through one.
12. I love the smell of curry.
13. I have a little book that I write down quotes in from books, movies, or things people say to me so I don't forget.
14. If it involves volcanoes, I'm listening.
15. I dip my french fries in my frosty.
16. I love dill pickles.
17. I feel completely insecure about my abilities to do well in geology. I always feel like the stupidest person in the room and I must have made a mistake. But I love geology.
18. As a child, I had a crush on Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty.
19. I like it when people call me before they drop by. (I am always in my pajamas and my house is a mess if someone knocks on the door unexpectedly. And I always want to hide behind the couch.)
20. The aromas of coffee and cigarettes together makes me happy. (My grandma is a Folger's fan. Also, the coffee place at the college I used to go to smelled like the two together and I walked past it every day and reveled in it.)
21. I love music boxes. The sound of one changes the feeling in the room.
22. The first present Johnny ever gave me was a vanilla-scented candle wrapped in snowman paper in the middle of summer. I still have it.
23. John does a British accent like Pierce Brosnan that makes me giggly and bashful.
24. I almost always have fruit snacks in the house.
25. Taco Bell is one of my best friends. I've loved their food my whole life.
26. I am fascinated about ghosts.
27. When I am working on something (homework, scrapbook, etc.) I put everything in little piles in a big circle around me and if I leave to get something, you can see exactly where my butt should go. (I'm messy-organized.)
28. Nat King Cole casts a spell on me.
29. My favorite Christmas movie is Mickey's Christmas Carol. (And I watch it all year.) The Grinch is a close second. (That one, too.)
30. When the right pianist is playing, I stop what I'm doing and close my eyes.
31. I feel that everyone needs to see Spartacus at least once.
32. I feel that everyone needs to see The Scarlet Pimpernel on at least an annual basis.
33. I like shopping for light fixtures and kitchen faucets and new house stuff like that. (Though I've never bought any and my parents took few of my suggestions as a child.)
34. Though I like fanciness, I feel enormously uncomfortable in fancy places. Like I'll be asked to leave soon.
35. When I was little I pretended to like grapefruit so my dad and I could share one together. I wanted to be just like him.
36. I've always had a bond with cats. They just come to me. And sometimes follow me home and someone else has to take them back to their home.
37. I relate to boys easier than I relate to girls.
38. I played with GI Joes, Hot Wheels, plastic horses, and Barbies as a child. (Well, and rocks. How embarrassing.)
39. I tried so hard to like Star Trek.
40. When someone breaks my stuff it hurts my feelings. (I didn't say these were fifty rational things about me.)
41. I loved the book fairs at school when I was little.
42. I picked up worms and chased little girls around with them as a child. (Oh, the surge of power.)
43. I enjoy wandering around the bakery section of the grocery store.
44. I MISS JOHN!
45. Certain video games have a nostalgic effect on me (Zelda: A Link To The Past, Super Metroid, Donkey Kong Country, Excitebike, Rad Racer,Duck Hunt, and so on). And when I'm alone I try to play as if it were real (checking pulses on Ridley's prior victims, walking slowly through the creepy parts, a moment of silence for the metroid that died protecting me, stopping in to take a nap at my little house before Link goes to get the next crystal -- it's a little sad).
46. I am an Elvis fan.
47. My favorite cereals include frosted mini wheats, cinnamon toast crunch, and froot loops.
48. John and I talk baby-talk to each other sometimes. Okay, a lot of times.
49. I aspire to be a neat freak.
50. Cloudy and rainy days make John and me happy. Those are the days we want to go places.

Okay, if anyone read all the way to this point, I thank you. I hope I didn't shatter anyone's idea of me. I'm a weird girl. I am prepared if anyone needs to have "a little talk" with me after reading this. (And, again, thank you lolcats.com for the pics.) And you all guessed it: I am putting off my homework.

Time for school.

Well, I've started school. I'm taking a fairly heavy load this semester. Calculus, Chemistry, Paleontology, a geology seminar, and a New Testament class. 13.5 credits. So far it's not too bad. My paleontology professor was also my historical geology professor for winter semester, so I know his rhythms and everything. My calculus professor is adorable! He is an older German gentleman. He believes he was the last child to be named Reinhard. His accent is so cute. I've decided he will be my grandpa. (I hope we have German sausages at Christmas.) For chemistry I have a female professor who is probably the same age as me. (That's okay. Spring semester, my trigonometry professor was two years younger than me. I called him Brian.) My New Testament teacher has taught me before and we became friends, so it's going to be great. He's also an anthropologist specializing in the Mayan people and travels to Guatemala frequently to research the languages they speak. (The Mayan people did not disappear, their political system did. Just to clarify.) I'm glad I decided not to continue with my Japanese classes, although I miss speaking it so much. I've forgotten a ridiculous amount. I don't want it to decline to my Spanish skills. (I can understand a lot, but if I try to talk I basically only remember taco, burrito, and Santa Barbara.) The homework load for my Japanese classes took so much time that I was neglecting the classes I really needed to do well in. It's alright, though. Most Japanese people know English better than I do, anyway. I've still got my music and anime. The only bad thing about school is that my backpack is so heavy that the straps burst my blood vessels on my shoulders, so I have some purple sploches. It will make me uber-strong, though. (Check out these sweet pythons!) I already have two papers due on Tuesday as well as a group project, all for Paleontology. And I have two math assignments to finish tonight, as well as a short video to watch online and some reading. But, I needed to put a happier post up, so I put it off. I'm handling the separation from Johnny a bit better than I expected. I feel a little guilty for that. I still cry in brief bursts throughout the day, though. He should be able to call me tonight, just to let me know he's safe and at basic. He warned me it'd be short. I'll just do my homework before and after -- I'm so glad to be busy again. I especially like knowing exactly what I'll use my classes for. My chemistry professor said we might not see a reason for taking the class, but I knew precisely why: so I can better understand radioactive isotopes, rate of decay, and crystal lattices. And probably more! I should get busy!

Somewhere in between...

Last night John and I cried a lot together. We held each other tight. We told each other that we didn't know how we were going to do it. This morning we got ready and went up to Salt Lake to the hotel we needed to drop John off at. Our friend Jesse came with us because I knew I couldn't drive home after saying goodbye. We spent some of the day up there. The city was pretty empty and creepy. It's changed a lot with the economy and a lot of the buildings are just shells now. We had dinner at the only restaurant we could find open and spent a lot of time talking and laughing. I'd actually been thinking I was doing really well until Johnny was saying goodbye to us at the car. We cried some more (actually, we cried very hard) and squeezed each other and kissed and just couldn't say goodbye. I couldn't leave him there. Finally, Jesse and I had to get in the car and say goodbye for real and I put my hand on the window wishing I could reach through and pull him back to me. He stood there in the parking lot as we were driving away and as we were going I could see him crying harder and it was killing me. On the way home I talked about everything else I was stressed about except John. I thought I'd be a mess and bawling but I just couldn't very much. Not until I was home alone with Miles and it started sinking in. Then Miles went over to the door, waiting for John to come home. And I looked at him and started to cry. "He's not coming home, Miles." He's still pacing around the apartment, waiting. He might decide John's gone to another drill, until a couple of days go by and he's still not home. He always gets really mean on the second day of John's drill. I don't know how he'll handle it. John is safety to both of us. So, I cried and then Miles threw up because he ate too fast because I fed him late and then I almost threw up... I'm dreading going to bed because I know I'll just sit there and stare at the empty half of it and wish to God that my Johnny would come back. That he would stroke my hair and wipe the tears off my cheeks and tell me it's okay. It was so hard to say, "See you at Christmas." All I want is to be holding his hand right now. I've always loved how our hands just fit together just right. I have to start getting ready for school in 5 hours. I don't expect it to be a good day; I don't want it to be. But, I'll be strong for Johnny because now it's time to follow through on my promises. It feels wrong to shatter and it feels wrong to be alright. I'll just have to be somewhere in between for a while. I can still feel my Johnny, though. December is only 4 months away. Just one semester. I can do anything for 4 months. I can do it. I will do it.