Have you seen my highjump boots?

I have often wondered why I've always been so different from other girls. I'm girly in that I like pink and looking pretty and such. But, I also love video games (more than just MarioKart), GI Joe, Hot Wheels, martial arts, anime, action flicks (though I love chick flicks, too), science fiction, and so on. I've always felt like I could do whatever I wanted, that I could be powerful. And I realize now that a game I've played since I was a child had a big impact on how I felt about my possibilities. When I was pretty little, around 6, we had a Nintendo (the first one -- my roots are pure) and of course we had The Gold Cartridge, which was Zelda, and we had Metroid. My two brothers and I played it and played it. For any out there unfamiliar with Metroid (and tsk tsk to you), you play as Samus Aran, a character in a yellow-brown space suit and you fight evil alien-type creatures gaining new weaponry and better suits as you go, fighting Ridley and the Mother Brain, saving the universe. (Ah, the memories.) Well, my big brother finally beat the game and the two of us younger kids were there watching, enraptured as the music signified the ultimate glory of the accomplishment. Well, Samus walks to the middle of the screen and removes the spacesuit's helmet. And you realize that Samus is a woman. My brothers had some confusion at first, but I felt this amazing feeling that I could be like that. When the Super Nintendo came out we also got Super Metroid (and Zelda: A Link To The Past must not be left out). That game was even cooler and I was old enough to enjoy it more (and beat the living tar out of it). I would actually go to my game profile and travel to... I think it was Brinstar, and I'd leave Samus in a safe place and just listen to the music while I did my homework. (That was before I realized the game was timed and you got different endings depending on how fast you got through it.) Well, now they've had the Metroid Prime series, Metroid Zero Mission, Metroid Fusion, and one for the DS, only some of which I've played ($). She impacted me because she could do anything. And she was smart, which you realize even more in the newer games. I yearned to be strong like that, to be that independent and capable and absolutely fearless. Since I'd grown up in a capsule of fear, you could imagine how much I wished to be someone else stronger than who I was. Maybe that's part of why I've needed school and want to work in my field (though I threw being an astronaut out the window when I found out that Ridley wasn't actually out there needing defeating) and to just BE something. So many people let video games be the scapegoat for their kids' stupid decisions, but video games can be a good part of a child's life; you just need to get the right games. When I hear the music for the gold cartridge's main screen, I actually well up because it takes me back to my old basement, sitting on the floor in a puddle of sunshine leaking in through the window exploring another world's creatures and saving the galaxy from the Mother Brain's sinister plans. Back when the future was bright and the world was big and I never had to think about who I was -- I just was. I was a hero. I mean, I saved Zelda! Those games helped shape me as a person and gave me examples of honor and bravery and selflessness. So, I guess I just wanted to appreciate a childhood hero for never letting me down. As for following in her footsteps... well, I'm almost to the varia suit.

The Ultimate Late Bloomer

Today I learned about the awesome type of salamander in Mexico called the axolotl. When everything is normal and happy, they keep their gills, remaining in their larval form and living in the water. But, if the water stagnates and gets all blcky (my own word), it will grow into its adult phase with lungs out of necessity. Then it can go on land and find a healthier water source and reproduce there. This kind of change is called heterochrony, and more specifically neoteny.
I'd found a few pictures of the axolotl on the web a while back and had never heard of them. But, I loved them because they look like they're smiling at you. I love learning about this stuff. I like to know why.
School's okay. I have A LOT of homework at all times. It's around 11 pm and I still have chemistry to read, a math assignment to start, and a math pretest to study for (if I don't pass it, I don't get to take Calculus after all). But, I was so excited about my Paleontology reading that I had to write a post about it. The level of fascination I reach when I really get into this stuff reminds why I'm doing what I am. I even started enjoying Darwin's writing once I got used to it. And the man makes a lot of really good points (backed with much evidence or questioning of other evidence -- just the way I likes it). This past week we applied our reading of Darwin by trying to categorize a bunch of brachiopod fossils (shelly-type things) into genus, species, sub-species, and varieties, just by looking at the differences in them. Let's just say I now fully understand why Darwin could get frustrated. *wink* I love handling the fossils, though. In math, I thought I was getting behind, but today I was one of very few who had even finished the assignment. So, the panic has died down... a bit. Chemistry is good. The first assignment is due this week, as well as our first exploratory lab measuring out moles, so we'll see how I do. I don't have to do every lab, so I might need to skip this one to get ready to take that pretest. I get 2 tries on it, at least. Johnny was able to call me on Saturday for a few mintues, so I'm just getting by until I can hear from him again. I'm writing about his calls, letters, and progress on his blog, actually, at spyder311.blogspot.com if anyone is interested in checking up from time to time.
Well, thanks for tolerating my excitement about salmanders. :)

50 Random Things About Me

I've seen this on a couple of blogs and thought it might be fun.

1. I love violin music.
2. John and I have several books that we read aloud to each other.
3. I love dragons to an obnoxious level.
4. I have a substantial collection of Japanese music. And if I don't know the words, I sing anyway. (Like John's grandpa with the ukulele.)
5. I am addicted to finding cool wallpapers online.
6. I usually have to read myself to sleep to get my brain to turn off.
7. I love mysteries! I'm a little picky, though cause they can be done very badly. My favorite authors in the genre are Agatha Christie (she can fool me most of the time) and Rita Mae Brown (I usually guess correct, but I don't know after the first two chapters).
8. When I was 3 years old I could recite the entire script of Disney's Robin Hood along with the movie. ("Put that peashooter da-own.") And I tried to whistle along with the song even though I can't whistle.
9. As a child I kind of wanted Sylvester to get to catch Tweety.
10. When I'm falling asleep I'll lie about it.
11. I have a stack of Berenstain Bear books. And I still feel cozy when I read through one.
12. I love the smell of curry.
13. I have a little book that I write down quotes in from books, movies, or things people say to me so I don't forget.
14. If it involves volcanoes, I'm listening.
15. I dip my french fries in my frosty.
16. I love dill pickles.
17. I feel completely insecure about my abilities to do well in geology. I always feel like the stupidest person in the room and I must have made a mistake. But I love geology.
18. As a child, I had a crush on Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty.
19. I like it when people call me before they drop by. (I am always in my pajamas and my house is a mess if someone knocks on the door unexpectedly. And I always want to hide behind the couch.)
20. The aromas of coffee and cigarettes together makes me happy. (My grandma is a Folger's fan. Also, the coffee place at the college I used to go to smelled like the two together and I walked past it every day and reveled in it.)
21. I love music boxes. The sound of one changes the feeling in the room.
22. The first present Johnny ever gave me was a vanilla-scented candle wrapped in snowman paper in the middle of summer. I still have it.
23. John does a British accent like Pierce Brosnan that makes me giggly and bashful.
24. I almost always have fruit snacks in the house.
25. Taco Bell is one of my best friends. I've loved their food my whole life.
26. I am fascinated about ghosts.
27. When I am working on something (homework, scrapbook, etc.) I put everything in little piles in a big circle around me and if I leave to get something, you can see exactly where my butt should go. (I'm messy-organized.)
28. Nat King Cole casts a spell on me.
29. My favorite Christmas movie is Mickey's Christmas Carol. (And I watch it all year.) The Grinch is a close second. (That one, too.)
30. When the right pianist is playing, I stop what I'm doing and close my eyes.
31. I feel that everyone needs to see Spartacus at least once.
32. I feel that everyone needs to see The Scarlet Pimpernel on at least an annual basis.
33. I like shopping for light fixtures and kitchen faucets and new house stuff like that. (Though I've never bought any and my parents took few of my suggestions as a child.)
34. Though I like fanciness, I feel enormously uncomfortable in fancy places. Like I'll be asked to leave soon.
35. When I was little I pretended to like grapefruit so my dad and I could share one together. I wanted to be just like him.
36. I've always had a bond with cats. They just come to me. And sometimes follow me home and someone else has to take them back to their home.
37. I relate to boys easier than I relate to girls.
38. I played with GI Joes, Hot Wheels, plastic horses, and Barbies as a child. (Well, and rocks. How embarrassing.)
39. I tried so hard to like Star Trek.
40. When someone breaks my stuff it hurts my feelings. (I didn't say these were fifty rational things about me.)
41. I loved the book fairs at school when I was little.
42. I picked up worms and chased little girls around with them as a child. (Oh, the surge of power.)
43. I enjoy wandering around the bakery section of the grocery store.
44. I MISS JOHN!
45. Certain video games have a nostalgic effect on me (Zelda: A Link To The Past, Super Metroid, Donkey Kong Country, Excitebike, Rad Racer,Duck Hunt, and so on). And when I'm alone I try to play as if it were real (checking pulses on Ridley's prior victims, walking slowly through the creepy parts, a moment of silence for the metroid that died protecting me, stopping in to take a nap at my little house before Link goes to get the next crystal -- it's a little sad).
46. I am an Elvis fan.
47. My favorite cereals include frosted mini wheats, cinnamon toast crunch, and froot loops.
48. John and I talk baby-talk to each other sometimes. Okay, a lot of times.
49. I aspire to be a neat freak.
50. Cloudy and rainy days make John and me happy. Those are the days we want to go places.

Okay, if anyone read all the way to this point, I thank you. I hope I didn't shatter anyone's idea of me. I'm a weird girl. I am prepared if anyone needs to have "a little talk" with me after reading this. (And, again, thank you lolcats.com for the pics.) And you all guessed it: I am putting off my homework.

Time for school.

Well, I've started school. I'm taking a fairly heavy load this semester. Calculus, Chemistry, Paleontology, a geology seminar, and a New Testament class. 13.5 credits. So far it's not too bad. My paleontology professor was also my historical geology professor for winter semester, so I know his rhythms and everything. My calculus professor is adorable! He is an older German gentleman. He believes he was the last child to be named Reinhard. His accent is so cute. I've decided he will be my grandpa. (I hope we have German sausages at Christmas.) For chemistry I have a female professor who is probably the same age as me. (That's okay. Spring semester, my trigonometry professor was two years younger than me. I called him Brian.) My New Testament teacher has taught me before and we became friends, so it's going to be great. He's also an anthropologist specializing in the Mayan people and travels to Guatemala frequently to research the languages they speak. (The Mayan people did not disappear, their political system did. Just to clarify.) I'm glad I decided not to continue with my Japanese classes, although I miss speaking it so much. I've forgotten a ridiculous amount. I don't want it to decline to my Spanish skills. (I can understand a lot, but if I try to talk I basically only remember taco, burrito, and Santa Barbara.) The homework load for my Japanese classes took so much time that I was neglecting the classes I really needed to do well in. It's alright, though. Most Japanese people know English better than I do, anyway. I've still got my music and anime. The only bad thing about school is that my backpack is so heavy that the straps burst my blood vessels on my shoulders, so I have some purple sploches. It will make me uber-strong, though. (Check out these sweet pythons!) I already have two papers due on Tuesday as well as a group project, all for Paleontology. And I have two math assignments to finish tonight, as well as a short video to watch online and some reading. But, I needed to put a happier post up, so I put it off. I'm handling the separation from Johnny a bit better than I expected. I feel a little guilty for that. I still cry in brief bursts throughout the day, though. He should be able to call me tonight, just to let me know he's safe and at basic. He warned me it'd be short. I'll just do my homework before and after -- I'm so glad to be busy again. I especially like knowing exactly what I'll use my classes for. My chemistry professor said we might not see a reason for taking the class, but I knew precisely why: so I can better understand radioactive isotopes, rate of decay, and crystal lattices. And probably more! I should get busy!

Somewhere in between...

Last night John and I cried a lot together. We held each other tight. We told each other that we didn't know how we were going to do it. This morning we got ready and went up to Salt Lake to the hotel we needed to drop John off at. Our friend Jesse came with us because I knew I couldn't drive home after saying goodbye. We spent some of the day up there. The city was pretty empty and creepy. It's changed a lot with the economy and a lot of the buildings are just shells now. We had dinner at the only restaurant we could find open and spent a lot of time talking and laughing. I'd actually been thinking I was doing really well until Johnny was saying goodbye to us at the car. We cried some more (actually, we cried very hard) and squeezed each other and kissed and just couldn't say goodbye. I couldn't leave him there. Finally, Jesse and I had to get in the car and say goodbye for real and I put my hand on the window wishing I could reach through and pull him back to me. He stood there in the parking lot as we were driving away and as we were going I could see him crying harder and it was killing me. On the way home I talked about everything else I was stressed about except John. I thought I'd be a mess and bawling but I just couldn't very much. Not until I was home alone with Miles and it started sinking in. Then Miles went over to the door, waiting for John to come home. And I looked at him and started to cry. "He's not coming home, Miles." He's still pacing around the apartment, waiting. He might decide John's gone to another drill, until a couple of days go by and he's still not home. He always gets really mean on the second day of John's drill. I don't know how he'll handle it. John is safety to both of us. So, I cried and then Miles threw up because he ate too fast because I fed him late and then I almost threw up... I'm dreading going to bed because I know I'll just sit there and stare at the empty half of it and wish to God that my Johnny would come back. That he would stroke my hair and wipe the tears off my cheeks and tell me it's okay. It was so hard to say, "See you at Christmas." All I want is to be holding his hand right now. I've always loved how our hands just fit together just right. I have to start getting ready for school in 5 hours. I don't expect it to be a good day; I don't want it to be. But, I'll be strong for Johnny because now it's time to follow through on my promises. It feels wrong to shatter and it feels wrong to be alright. I'll just have to be somewhere in between for a while. I can still feel my Johnny, though. December is only 4 months away. Just one semester. I can do anything for 4 months. I can do it. I will do it.

Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide...

Well, Johnny gave me a song on his blog for me to have while he's gone (see the link along the side for the blog Requiem for the Underpaid), so I naturally need to give him one, too, to take with him.

I never knew I could feel like this--
Like I'd never seen the sky before.
I want to vanish inside your kiss.
Every day I love you more and more.
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing?
Telling me to give you everything.
Seasons may change winter to spring.
But, I love you until the end of time.
Come what may. Come what may.
I will love you until my dying day.

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place;
suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace.
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste.
It all revolves around you.
And there's no mountain too high, no river too wide,
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side.
Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide,
But, I love you until the end of time.
Come what may. Come what may.
I will love you until my dying day.
Oh, come what may. Come what may.
I will love you.
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place...
Come what may. Come what may.
I will love you until my dying day.
--from Moulin Rouge the motion picture

My friend, Foxx, showed me this movie a long time ago. I distinctly remember thinking, "No one will ever love me that much." But, someone does. And I love him that much. So, Johnny, 3 days left. Come what may, my love. Come what may.

It will be okay soon.

As the date for John's departure grows near, I find that I'm questioning myself. I really don't feel strong enough. I never lived entirely alone. I was out on my own a bit during the early college years living with roommates, but it's not the same. It probably would have done me some good to have been alone earlier in life, but it stands as it is now and I approach this lonely adventure in the afternoon of my time. I wonder how well I know myself -- am I afraid of myself? Do I really know God or have I been pretending? The world seems to put God in a box and define him in their own terms, rather than by his. I want to know his personality. I want to know his laugh. I want to see his eyes crinkle when he smiles in my mind. I want such raw familiarity that he can give me a verbal head-slap when I need one or stroke my hair as I cry into my pillow at 4 in the morning. I want to be talking to him constantly through the day; I want to be friends.
I need to be strong. I need to be more than this. I want to be able to take things as they come and deal with them as they come. At least I have dealt with my past. I don't know how I did it. The creeping shadows in my memories I looked over and said, "It's just something that happened to me and now it's over," and I released it like smoke into the air and watched the pain waft away. I don't have anger about it, I don't expect anything of anyone concerning those things. No matter what anyone should have done, nothing can be done now. Because it's over. And soon this dreaded time will pass and I'll remember what a hell it was for me and smile a little at how much I grew from it and I'll let this pain go, as well. Let it free, let it fly, let it disappear into the sky. But in a week it will be just me and my little cat against the world. But, no -- my team is just as small as I let it be. I'll have John's family and my family and his solider friends, our school friends, and so on. I've always had a lot of pride. I refused to make a sound from the pain through the months and months of physical therapy. I don't like to ask for help. I started to feel long ago that I shouldn't need anyone, that it was weak and wrong to ask for help. But fear of weakness is the ultimate weakness. I will have to sidestep that part of myself. I have this song that when I listen to it and close my eyes, I can see the person I was meant to be. She steps out of my body and stretches her cramped wings and looks up - she's so strong and so breath-taking and I just have to make it there before I die.
I'm not sleeping well. I cry several times a day. And my heart is screaming and rebelling against this with all it has but I smash it down inside and stand on it because I will not allow my stupidity to take away what John has dreamed to be since he was a little boy playing with his GI Joes in the dirt. How selfish I would be. He would do the same for me, I know. He's given me everything he is and was. "Love must never hold tight, but let go." So, I'm letting go like I did so many years ago. The more torn apart our hearts become the more the scar tissue binds them together. It will be okay soon.