My dear friend Julie (that I talked about in the previous post) has been recovering so well. She has been learning to speak, read, and write again. Her husband, Jacob, scanned some of her writing onto facebook for her friends and family to see. It made me so happy! She had written, "Tell my babies I love them." Her twin boys are only 2 months old and I know she must miss them so much. Jacob has been so strong through this. He has been so focused. He's a rock!
Julie, I'm making a cd for you and I'll mail it soon. And, sweetie, I wish I could have taken all of it for you and felt it all for you. I know I can't. All I can do is stand here and watch in amazement as you are so strong. I wish I could have come to see you by now. I will soon. I'm sorry. I wish I could have "left my house, left my clothes, door wide open" and come out to you to join forces. You are worth it. You're worth anything and everything. *hugs* (quote from a song by Ellie Goulding)
I've been writing some more. :) I've also been planning things for John and I to do together during his block leave. He'll have a couple of weeks off before he deploys and it will be very nice to just be the two of us. I was going to try to go to Utah during this time and see my Julie-friend but the plan just catches in my throat. If it weren't Afghanistan or if it weren't for a year... I feel like an awful friend. But, I just need to be with him. Thankfully Jacob made the decision easier and said to wait until after Johnny leaves. So, of course, I looked up the Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives map online. Hahaha. I'd like to visit a couple before he leaves. I've also been jotting down other cool places nearby. Like the Ava Gardner museum, an aquarium, and a bird sanctuary. :) We also plan on reading together a lot - especially from my Geology and Chemistry text books. We loves our science. (I have some books about minerals, ocean life, space, and spiders on the amazon wish list for future reading.) It would also be fun if we could finally make it to the beach. I didn't expect to miss seagulls, but I really do! However, I don't want to overplan and suck the fun out of it. (I tend to do that...)
I'm really not looking forward to goodbye again. It's that kind of breathless jarring pain like having a tooth pulled. But inside your soul. And not long after, a strange calm arrives and the pain dulls. But there's a hole there that's going to bug you and make nothing feel quite normal. This time I know the secret: it never stops hurting, it never feels better. You just get better at functioning with that gap there. For that time I plan on writing a lot, exercising a lot, running errands, Ellen watching, cooking, cleaning, keeping busy. I might get a job, I might take a class. It's nice not to have to choose at the moment. Honestly, all this education has trained me for nothing. Hahaha! And, while getting a job at a local fast food joint and becoming employee of the month sounds just thrilling, that might not be what is best for me. I have a pretty cool opportunity before me that not many people get. I get to really choose what I really want to do. And, weirdly, something Jay-Z said in an interview really impacted me. He said he always has learned a lot from failing but that he hasn't figured out how to really learn from success yet. His words swept away some of those fluttering fears about failure I've had. That hadn't ever occurred to me. The road to success is the best part. :) The struggle is the whole point. Excellent.
In the meantime, I guess I'll just enjoy my boy while I can. :)
2 comments:
You sound so wise. Really, you do. Make plans. Look forward to the future. But don't overdo it. My sister whose husband has served in both Afghanistan and Iraq received this wise counsel: "You don't have to get your life organized so everything seems "normal" while he is gone. Because it isn't normal. You just do what you can."
^_^ Ty, Carolyn. *hugs*
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