Rediscovering

I've always believed that you should be yourself. I didn't know that I would need to rediscover that person several times in my life. I thought this sense of "self" was unchangeable, unaffected, someone I could depend on.

However, I am nothing like I expected and yet everything that I expected. A lot of the outside things have changed about me. My ideas, my religion, my body, my goals, my location... practically everything. But there are things about my character that haven't changed since kindergarten. I have a strict sense of justice. I am fair-minded. I'll stand up for the little guy. I have always tried to be a kind person, though I did have to scrub "welcome" off my forehead so I'd stop being confused with a doormat and I gained a fire inside that refuses to be dominated. Much of my life that fire felt smothered and suffocated, it didn't have any air. I realized that I couldn't be who I really was and keep living the life I was living. And that surprised some people. But, for me it was like heavy armor falling off and wings sprouting out of my back and spreading at last. To many I became a dead leaf, but I knew that I was a butterfly in stealth mode. *laughing at myself*

It's time to redefine who I am for you and a little for myself:
I wish I were describing myself as a "free spirit" but I'm really not. I like to plan things and I'm not very spontaneous - if I act spontaneously, it took careful thought-planning beforehand. And I get a little annoyed if something messes up my planned spontaneity. xD

I believe in evolution. And God. :) I'm on both sides of the dispute and feel like both sides are thinking too small.
I believe a person falls in love with a soul, regardless of anything else, and that no person has the authority to tell someone that he or she is not worthy to give and receive love. I feel God said to love everyone and let Him handle the details. So, that's what I do. Because the God I know is bigger than any religion, bigger than any box mankind can close him into and put words into his mouth. He's so much better than I ever realized. And my main goal in life is to develop the same capacity for love. I feel like above all I need to answer for how I treat other people.
I'm a cluttery, messy person. I always felt like I would never do things right so I stopped trying. I'm not naturally tidy and I really wish I were a neat freak - like Monica Gellar cleaning maniac. Apparently, though, that's not me. But here's hoping. *crosses fingers*
I love learning. I love science. It's fun to know why the Earth is round, why the grass is green, why there are earthquakes and volcanoes... that we have a magnetosphere protecting us from the solar wind because of the movement of the liquid iron outer core. That stuff is awesome to me. I love literature and writing - I love words dancing around in my mind.

I feel like if there's a food I don't like it's because I haven't had it done right. I enjoy cooking but it's hard to get the energy from somewhere to go do it. Once I start it's wonderful, though. I love coffee with it's bitterness cutting through something sweet. I love carbs (especially bread, pasta, rice, and potatoes... that might be all the carbs... hahaha) and will not give them up ever. Hahaha. New tastes entrance me - like lemon zest and cumin and cinnamon in the same dish. Sounds crazy, but that's Moroccan and it is so yummy. Creating something soulful and comforting enriches me.
I never thought I'd be a soldier's wife. Not in a million years. Thus, it bugs me when women tell me they "could never do that." Like I can? Like it doesn't kill me all the time knowing that come our 8th anniversary he is leaving for a year and might never make it back? It's not that I can, it's just that I do it. I saw my Johnny so unhappy and so pushed down by the supposedly smarter and supposedly more experienced that I took his dream and handed it to him, to hell with all my fear. Why would I let my fear of being alone stop him from being what he always wished to be? No one else had ever snatched a dream off the shelf and handed it to him ever, so I did to show him how much I KNOW that he can do it and that I KNOW he is NOT stupid like his may-they-burn teachers told him. So what if that's put me in a little bit of a limbo? So what if that threw a wrench in my little itemized life plan? Look at that smile. Look at him walking so straight and tall and feeling good about himself for the first time. He found his spark! I love him. And that is everything. And I will fight and have fought anyone that tries to hurt him, including himself.
I want to be a mother. I want to have sweet children and show them the world and teach them and love them and discipline them and be my best for them. I knew this longing would come if I waited until I was ready. So, when Johnny gets back from his tour of duty, we'll see if biologically it's in the cards. Because I already have butterfly and pirate ship Wilton cake pans on my amazon wish list for those birthday parties. =)
And I need to write. I've been so afraid of it. I'll write for a while and then stop for months. Because it means too much to me. But, I think I'm finally to the point where I can sink into it. Let people laugh at me and tell me how ridiculous it is. They can't hurt me anymore. I sit at my computer in my beater and shorties every day thinking of things to say. For my blog, for my idiotic facebook (honestly never been so many people talking with so little to say), for emails and phone calls and whatever else. But now I'll be sitting there putting that effort to work! It's time to admit who I am to me. I had to let go of some things. But I feel better. I know how to feel without conflict now. I love it.